> > We regret to inform you that, effective immediately, Santa Claus
> > will no longer be able to serve the Southern United States on Christmas
> > Eve.
> >
> > Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, his
> > contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 210,
> > and he now serves only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois,
> > Wisconsin and Michigan.
> >
> > As part of the new and better contract, Santa will also get longer
> > breaks for milk and cookies, so keep that in mind. Your children will
> > not be ignored on Christmas Eve - they will be in the good hands of your
> > local replacement, Santa's second cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the
> > family is from the South Pole. He shares Santa's goal of delivering toys
> > to all the good boys and girls, however, you may notice a few
> > differences in the service. For example:
> >
> > 1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba
> > Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads
> > "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
> >
> > 2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children
> > leave an RC cola and pork rinds or a moon pie on the fireplace. And
> > Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe, though he dips a little snuff, so please
> > have an empty spit can handy.
> >
> > 3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared flyin' coon dogs
> > instead of reindeer. Reindeer were once mistakenly issued to Bubba
> > Claus, who now has a couple more nice trophy heads over his fireplace.
> >
> > 4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..."
> > when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Ernhardt, on
> > Wallace, on Martin and Petty...."
> >
> > 5. "Ho, ho, ho!" will be replaced by "Yee-haw!" And you also are
> > likely to hear Bubba's elves respond in unison, "I hear'd dat!"
> >
> > 6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does
> > have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back
> > Off." He also has a few other decorations on his sleigh back as well,
> > such as a string of flashing Christmas lights around the license plate,
> > and a caricature of Santa Claus going wee-wee on the Tooth Fairy.
> >
> > 7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th
> > Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated
> > viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and
> > "Smokey and the Bandit V" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and
> > dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
> >
> > 8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. You should make sure that the
> > wife and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents
> > under the tree.
> >
> > 9. And finally, Christmas songs about Santa Claus, such as "Rudolph
> > The Red-Nosed Reindeer" and "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town" will be
> > replaced on all AM radio stations in the South by your new official
> > Christmas carol, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer."
> >
> > YEE-HAW!!! MERRY CHRISTMAS!
> >
> >
> >
<- wish ah haid one o' dese wit a blackedout toot!
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