He asks for a shot of tequilla. The bartender replys "Sorry we don't serve strings". So the string leaves.
The next day, the same string walks back into the bar. He asks for a shot of tequilla. The bartender replys "Sorry we do not serve strings, please go away."
The following day the string stands outside the bar debating about whether to go in or not. He ties himself in a knot and frays the bottom of the string.
He goes in and asks for a shot of tequilla. The bartender replys "Hey aren't you that string that's been coming in here all the time."
They string replys "No I'm a frayed knot".
__________________
Ed Gibson 2001 Black Z06 64 & 68 Corvette verts
1985 BMW K100 m/c
When in England at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of empire building' by George Bus h.
He answered by saying, 'Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return.
You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Then there was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break one of the French engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended to do, bomb them?' A Boeing engineer stood up and replied
quietly: 'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three ca feterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck.. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?'
You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, 'whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.' He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?' Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied 'M aybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'
You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE...
A group of Americans, retired teachers, recently went to France on a tour. Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on. 'You have been to France before, monsieur 'the customs officer asked sarcastically. Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously. 'Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.' The American said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.' 'Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!' The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. 'Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any dam Frenchmen to show it to.'
Tennessee
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?'
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my earrings.'
Alabama
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry?' the others asked.
'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replied.
'You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired.
'A tough call,' nodded the hunter. 'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!'
Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head". "Yep", he replied. "That's why I dumpin it here, cause it says 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'.
Louisiana
A senior at LSU was overheard saying... 'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana .' When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!'
Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was?'
The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got his license number.'
A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75. The trooper asked, 'Got any I. D. ?'
The driver replied, 'Bout whut?' (remember to say ID as "id ea")
North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was..
The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.'
The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'
The man responded, 'When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make no sense to me neither.'
South Carolina
'You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of anyone wanting to retire to the North
Florida
A man walked into a Florida bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."
The Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission is advising hikers, hunters, fishers, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in Osceola, Polk, Brevard and Orange Counties. They advise people to wear noise-producing devices; such as, little bells on their clothing, to alert, but not startle, the alligators unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with an alligator. It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity. People should recognize the difference between small young alligator and large adult alligator droppings. Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers. Adult alligators droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.
A man and his wife were driving their RV across Florida and were nearing a town called Kissimmee . They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it -- KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME?
They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town. Since they were hungry, they pulled into a restaurant to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress; "My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand?"
The woman looked at him and said; "Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng."
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of
unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up
trying to get him to change. One day John came home with
another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that
John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their
11-year-old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over
two hours late.
"Where have you been? Why are you over two hours late
getting home?" asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra
credit project," said Tommy. The robot then walked around
the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of
his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector. Now tell us
where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie," said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments," answered Tommy. The robot went
around to Tommy and slapped him again, knocking him off his
chair once more. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up from
the floor, sat down, and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really
watched an R-rated movie."
"I am ashamed of you, son," said John. "When I was your age,
I never lied to my parents." The robot then walked around to
John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of
his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears, and said,
"Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad
with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and
knocked her out of her chair.
An Amish farmer, walking through his field, notices a man kneeling down and cupping a hand to drink from the farm pond. The Amish farmer shouts, "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen." (Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows shit in it.")
The kneeling man shouts back, angrily, "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand you. I speak Arabic and English. If you can't speak in the sacred tongue of Islam, speak to me in English." The Amish farmer replies, "Use two hands, you'll get more."
Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to go to the toilet.
Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner or bottomless pit.
Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from
Northwestern University .
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant
standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed
distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a
large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently
as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after
which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to
face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him
for several tense moments. Peter st ood frozen, thinking of nothing
else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly,
turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events
of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his
teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the
creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son
Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted
its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did
that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the
man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if
this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over
the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to
the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again,
wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid ass
against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
This is for all of my friends who send me those heart-warming stories
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
She got up, unplugged my computer, and threw out my beer.
__________________
^VIR Turn 3 '08^-MungoZ06-'03 QS/ModRed - NCCC, NASA NCM Member - Z06 Fest IV,V,VI,VII
It is with the saddest heart I pass on the following. Please join me in remembering a great icon. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Long-time friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was never considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, even still he was a crusty old man and was considered a roll model for millions. Toward the end, it was thought he would rise again, but alas, he had reached his expiration date. Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted.He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . .. even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
I walked into a Burger King with a buy-one-get-one-free
coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a
little chalkboard that said 'buy one-get one free'. 'They're already
buy-one-get-one-free', she said, 'so I guess they're both free'. She
handed me my two free sandwiches, and I walked out the door. They walk
among us and they vote..
===================
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, 'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and
said, 'Where?' They walk among us and they vote.
====================
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I
got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was
open. I told him, 'The number you dialed is open 24 h ours a day, 7 days
a week.' He responded, 'Is that Eastern or Pacific time?' Wanting to end
the call quickly, I said, 'Uh, Pacific.' They walk among us and they
vote.
====================
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a
seatbelt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. They walk among
us and they vote.
====================
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were
discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier
multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount. They walk among us
and they vote.
====================
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the
lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags nev er showed
up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained
professional and I was in good hands. 'Now ,' she asked me, 'has your
plane arrived yet?' They walk among us and they vote.
====================
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza
to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like
it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before
responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough
to eat 6 pieces.' They walk among us and they vote.
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