#3 Humor Thread - post Humor In Here - Z06Vette.com - Corvette Z06 Forum
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post #1 of 1387 (permalink) Old 08-04-2004, 06:55 AM Thread Starter
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#3 Humor Thread - post Humor In Here

Here we go with thread #3




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From a lost chapter in the Book of Genesis: Where Dogs Come From . . .
Adam was walking in the garden and cried out to God, "You used to walk with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonely here, and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself." And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam.

And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him.

And Adam was comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."

And the Lord said, "I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam.

And Cat would not obey Adam.

And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being.

And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased.

And Adam was greatly improved.

And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.

Ed Gibson 2001 Black Z06 64 & 68 Corvette verts
2005 Custom Mustang 2007 MB SL550 2014 HD Electra Glide Ultra Limited 2016 F-150 Lariat


Last edited by panzer; 08-04-2004 at 08:33 AM.
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post #2 of 1387 (permalink) Old 08-04-2004, 07:08 AM Thread Starter
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Replies by Computer Programmers When Their Programs Don't Work

"What did you type in wrong that made it crash?"

"It must be a hardware problem."

"Are you sure you don't have a virus in your system?"

"You can't use THAT version on YOUR system."

"It's just a coincidence."

"There is something wrong with your data."

"That's weird."

Ed Gibson 2001 Black Z06 64 & 68 Corvette verts
2005 Custom Mustang 2007 MB SL550 2014 HD Electra Glide Ultra Limited 2016 F-150 Lariat

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post #3 of 1387 (permalink) Old 08-04-2004, 07:15 AM Thread Starter
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The Deacon and the Preacher

There once was this deacon and this preacher, and they had been friends for a long time. One day the deacon got sick and was put in the hospital, so the preacher decided to go and see his old friend.
When he walked into the hospital room, the preacher noticed all the hoses and medical equipment attached to the deacon. The preacher walked over and kneeled by the bed and asked, ''How ya doing?''

The deacon motioned at a pad and pen on the nightstand. ''You want that?'' the preacher asked him, and the deacon nodded his head yes. So the preacher handed his friend the pad and pen and the deacon began to write. All of a sudden the deacon died.

At his funeral, the preacher was asked to deliver the service. ''He was a good man and I'll never forget him,'' the preacher said, ''I was with him when he died and as a matter of fact I have his last thought in my coat pocket here.''

The preacher reaches into his pocket and pulls out the paper. ''Please, get up! You're kneeling on my oxygen hose!''

Ed Gibson 2001 Black Z06 64 & 68 Corvette verts
2005 Custom Mustang 2007 MB SL550 2014 HD Electra Glide Ultra Limited 2016 F-150 Lariat

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post #4 of 1387 (permalink) Old 08-04-2004, 07:15 AM Thread Starter
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Elementary, My Dear Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

Ed Gibson 2001 Black Z06 64 & 68 Corvette verts
2005 Custom Mustang 2007 MB SL550 2014 HD Electra Glide Ultra Limited 2016 F-150 Lariat

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post #5 of 1387 (permalink) Old 08-04-2004, 07:22 AM Thread Starter
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Egg Donor

One day, while Sue was cleaning under the bed, she found a small box. Curious, she opened it and found 3 eggs and 10,000 dollars. A little bit suspicious, she confronted her husband of twenty years about it.
"Oh, that," Frank said. "Every time I cheated on you, I put an egg in this box." Sue was a bit unhappy about this, but figured that 3 affairs over twenty years wasn't so bad.

"But what about the 10,000 dollars?"

"Every time I got a dozen, I sold them."

Ed Gibson 2001 Black Z06 64 & 68 Corvette verts
2005 Custom Mustang 2007 MB SL550 2014 HD Electra Glide Ultra Limited 2016 F-150 Lariat

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post #6 of 1387 (permalink) Old 08-04-2004, 12:10 PM
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Wed 8/4/2004 12:30 - Breaking News: Attorney says it's 'up in the air' whether Kobe Bryant accuser will continue to pursue case.

Do you know why there's a difference between the Kobe Bryant case and OJ?
Because there's a difference between getting a little and getting away with murder!

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post #7 of 1387 (permalink) Old 08-04-2004, 03:19 PM
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Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.








Lady 1: What's that?

Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Lady 1: Where did you get it?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

"Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.


Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance.
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post #8 of 1387 (permalink) Old 08-09-2004, 06:12 AM Thread Starter
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30 Years difference

1974: Long hair
2004: Longing for hair



1974: KEG
2004: EKG


1974: Acid rock
2004: Acid reflux


1974: Moving to California because it's cool
2004: Moving to California because it's warm


1974: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2004: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor


1974: Hoping for a BMW
2004: Hoping for a BM


1974: The Grateful Dead
2004: Dr. Kevorkian


1974: Going to a new, hip joint
2004: Receiving a new hip joint


1974: Rolling Stones
2004: Kidney Stones


1974: Being called into to the principal's office
2004: Calling the principal's office



1974: Disco
2004: Costco



1974: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2004: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1974: Passing the drivers' test
2004: Passing the vision test




Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at BeloitCollege in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:







The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1985. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.


Their lifetime has always included AIDS.


Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.


The CD was introduced the year they were born.


They have always had an answering machine.


They have always had cable.


They cannot fathom not having a remote control.


Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.


Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.


They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.


They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.


They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.


They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel" or "de plane Boss, de plane."



They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.



McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.


They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Ed Gibson 2001 Black Z06 64 & 68 Corvette verts
2005 Custom Mustang 2007 MB SL550 2014 HD Electra Glide Ultra Limited 2016 F-150 Lariat

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post #9 of 1387 (permalink) Old 08-09-2004, 10:55 AM Thread Starter
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Pinocchio and Splinters

One day Pinocchio came to Gepetto with a problem.
"Every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters. What can I do about this?"

"Have you tried sandpaper?" Pinocchio hadn't, so he went to try it.

"Pinnochio," said Gepetto a few weeks later. "How is the problem work out with your

"Girlfriend?" said Pinnochio. "Who needs a girlfriend when you have sandpaper?"

Ed Gibson 2001 Black Z06 64 & 68 Corvette verts
2005 Custom Mustang 2007 MB SL550 2014 HD Electra Glide Ultra Limited 2016 F-150 Lariat

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post #10 of 1387 (permalink) Old 08-09-2004, 10:56 AM Thread Starter
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Three Guys With Dumb Wives


Three guys are sitting in a bar when the first guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries an automatic garage door opener in her car and she doesn't have an automatic garage door."

The second guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she has a cellular phone antenna on her car and she doesn't even have a cellular phone."

The third guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries a purse full of rubbers and she doesn't even have a dick."

Ed Gibson 2001 Black Z06 64 & 68 Corvette verts
2005 Custom Mustang 2007 MB SL550 2014 HD Electra Glide Ultra Limited 2016 F-150 Lariat

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post #11 of 1387 (permalink) Old 08-09-2004, 10:57 AM Thread Starter
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Hooligan Hijinx

A big hulking hooligan walks into a bar, slams his fist down, and yells "Give me a Budweiser, or...!"
Scared, the bartender serves the man his Budweiser. This happens everyday for a week straight, and the bartender turns into a nervous wreck. He asks his wife for advice, and she tells him he should stand up for himself. Easier said than done, he thinks, but he decides to try it. The next day, the hooligan returns.
"Give me a Budweiser, or...!"
"O-o-o-o-r-r-r w-what?" stammers the bartender.
"A small Coke."

Ed Gibson 2001 Black Z06 64 & 68 Corvette verts
2005 Custom Mustang 2007 MB SL550 2014 HD Electra Glide Ultra Limited 2016 F-150 Lariat

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post #12 of 1387 (permalink) Old 08-09-2004, 10:58 AM Thread Starter
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Good Can of Corn

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks. After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained
"Yes, no problem!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then he asks the middle aged couple the same question

"Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.

"We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me!"

"I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"

"That's O.K.," says the husband, "we were banned from the supermarket, too."

Ed Gibson 2001 Black Z06 64 & 68 Corvette verts
2005 Custom Mustang 2007 MB SL550 2014 HD Electra Glide Ultra Limited 2016 F-150 Lariat

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post #13 of 1387 (permalink) Old 08-09-2004, 11:00 AM Thread Starter
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I Like Your Thinking

A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'' She calls on little Johnny.
''None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.''

The teacher replies, ''The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'' Then Little Johnny says, ''I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?''

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ''Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.''

''The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like your thinking.''

Ed Gibson 2001 Black Z06 64 & 68 Corvette verts
2005 Custom Mustang 2007 MB SL550 2014 HD Electra Glide Ultra Limited 2016 F-150 Lariat

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post #14 of 1387 (permalink) Old 08-09-2004, 11:02 AM Thread Starter
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Alabama Farmer

What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.

Ed Gibson 2001 Black Z06 64 & 68 Corvette verts
2005 Custom Mustang 2007 MB SL550 2014 HD Electra Glide Ultra Limited 2016 F-150 Lariat

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post #15 of 1387 (permalink) Old 08-09-2004, 11:02 AM Thread Starter
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Q: What has 132 legs and 8 teeth?




A: The front row of a Garth Brooks concert!

Ed Gibson 2001 Black Z06 64 & 68 Corvette verts
2005 Custom Mustang 2007 MB SL550 2014 HD Electra Glide Ultra Limited 2016 F-150 Lariat

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