Three guys are competing for the who had the worst experiance after a night of drinking.
The first guy shakes his head and tells the other two; "Man, I was soooo drunk that when I got home I blew chunks"!
Second guy says; "That's nothing! I got so drunk that like an idiot I got behind the wheel of my classic 'Vette and smashed it into a phone pole. Lost my car and my driver's license".
Third guy says; "I got you two beat. I got so drunk that I went home threw up on my girlfriend. Then picked a fight with her! She got so upset that she torched my house right to the ground. I lost my car, my house, all my belongings and I don't have any insurance"!
The first guy leans over and motions for his pals to come closer. "You don't understand....my dog's name is 'Chunks' "!
Dear Abby:
I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth and one of my sisters, who lives in Pflugerville, is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas. I have two brothers, one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting trial on charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Longview. She is a part time "working girl" and knows nothing about my family. All things considered, my problem is this... I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into our family and I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her.
My question is: Should I tell her about my cousin who supports John Kerry for President?
Signed, "Worried About My Reputation"
__________________
aldrichc5
02 MY Z06
04 4x4 Duramax
08 335I
She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take an aspirin and go to bed, and no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife after sleeping soundly for an hour awakened without pain and as it was still early, she decided to go
to the party. Her husband didn't know what her costume was. She thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he would act when she wasn't with him. She joined the party and very soon spotted her husband cavorting around the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and groping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife sided up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She had let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed; so off they went to one of the cars and had a little "quickie." In fact, two. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got back into bed wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in. She asked what kind of time he had. He said "Oh the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never danced one dance. When I got there I met Pete, Bill and Paul and some other guys, so we went into the den to play poker all evening.
But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to!!!!!!!!
__________________
Ed Gibson 2001 Black Z06 64 & 68 Corvette verts
1985 BMW K100 m/c
A guy walks into a bar and notices a very large jar on the counter and sees
it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"
"Well, you pay ten dollars and, if you pass three tests, you get all the money." The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?" "Pay first," says the bartender. "Those are the rules."
So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar. "OK," the bartender says, "here's what you need to do. First you have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila... the whole thing, all at once.. and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second, there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
Third, there's a 90 year-old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her." The man is stunned. "I know I paid my 10 bucks, but I'm not an idiot! I wont do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things ..."
"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."
As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks Where's zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make
a face. Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon all the people inside & out of the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull
yelping and then... silence. Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large, bloody scratches all over his body.
"Now," he says, "where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"
A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches in her
pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it. She
looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she
says, "Well that's great......just great.....Some asshole's got my pen."
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love(?), asked, "What's your hurry?"To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded. The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide." "And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
Traffic Ticket: $95.00
Court Costs: $45.00
Look on Cop's Face: PRICELESS.
__________________
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formally known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
A young man stopped to visit his grandparents, he noticed his
grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on
from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing? You're weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well...last week
I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.
This is your grandma's idea"...
Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink." Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: "MOUNT & DO."
Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn, a
3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again."
Enjoy the answers given by elementary school age children to the following questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string. I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores.
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just got to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me
Sex In The Dark
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went
completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The
husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . .you explain the kids."
Amy is a blonde city girl that married a farmer. One morning, on his way out to the fields, the farmer says to Amy, "the artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?" So the farmer leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down the barn. They walk along long row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "this is the one. This one right here."
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "how did you know this is the cow to be bred?" "That's simple, by the nail over its stall," Amy explains. Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?" "I guess it's to hang your pants on," she tells him as she walks away.
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