* The process becomes more important than the product
* You don''t see anything wrong with attending a meeting on a subject you know nothing about
* You feel you contributed to the meeting just by being there
* You stop raising issues/problems because you know you will be the one answering/fixing them.
* You fly first class across the country to attend a conference with 100+ people to discuss the fact that the project does not have enough money to continue
* You work for an acronym, on an acronym, and your job title is an acronym
* You understand the rationalization of an acronym composed of acronyms
* You know that the location of a meeting is directly related to its importance. (1) A meeting in Maine requires you send a a subordinate (2) The same meeting in Las Vegas requires your personal attention
* You've sat at the same desk for 3 years, have done the same thing for 3 years, but have had 3 different titles in that time
Bubba was hauled up on assault charges. And it wasn't the first time Bubba was standing in front of this particular judge.
The judge eyed Bubba sternly and said, "It says here that you beat up your friend John. This isn't the first time you two have come to blows. Tell me why I shouldn't send you off to jail."
"Well, your honor, it's like this," Bubba began, "we were in the bar, sitting real peaceful. Then, John turns to me and said, 'you know, Bubba, the only damned reason you're behaving is you're afraid of that jerk face judge.' Well, Your Honor, when he said that about you, I just busted him in the mouth."
__________________
Ed Gibson 2001 Black Z06 64 & 68 Corvette verts
1985 BMW K100 m/c
The teacher was very curious about how each of her students celebrated Christmas Eve.
"Tell me Patrick, what do you do on Christmas Eve?" she asked.
Patrick replied, "Well Ma'am, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight Mass and we sing hymns, then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys."
"Very nice Patrick," the teacher replied. "Now Jimmy, what do you do on Christmas Eve?"
"Well Miss, me and my sister go to Church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep waiting for Santa Claus to bring our toys."
Remembering there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now Isaac, what do you do on Christmas Eve?"
"Well Ma'am, it's the same ol' thing every year. Dad comes home from work. We all pile into the Rolls Royce and drive to his toy factory. When we get inside we look at all the empty shelves and sing 'What a friend we have in Jesus.' Then we go to the Bahamas."
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play
>together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and
>began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to
>go get the farmer for help!Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving
>at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for
>he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken
>spied the farmer's new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken
>sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his
>friend's life.Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see
>the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the
>loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the
>rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and,
>with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!
>Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the
>farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two
>animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.
>A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began
>to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a
>moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he
>told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the
>pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out,
>saving his life.
>
>The moral of the story?
>
>When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
__________________
"The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to
escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane."
Marcus Aurelius
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk
ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me
either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan
belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to
steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't
getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you
can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart.
7. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone
else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a
couple of car payments.
10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in
their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a
mile away and you have their shoes.
11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him
how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all
day.
13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again,
it was probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember
anything.
15. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the
windshield.
16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of
that comes from bad judgment.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in
half and put it back in your pocket.
19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a
dark side, and it holds the universe together.
21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither
one works.
22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your
lips are moving.
23. Experience is something you don't get until just after
you need it
24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
25. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on
our ass. Then things get worse.
26. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and
a laxative on the same night.
27. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental
illness."
28. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take
it too seriously.
29. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other
people to make a big deal about your birthday...around age
11
.
30. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them
__________________
Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance.
Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally will never hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world.
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
================================================== =======
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
================================================== ========
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
================================================== ========
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
================================================== ========
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
================================================== ========
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit piqued." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
================================================== ========
Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
================================================== =======
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency
124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
================================================== =======
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
================================================== =======
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I didn't land.
================================================== =======
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta!! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?
Way down in dat old swamp known as Louisiana, Boudreaux's old lady's been pregnant for some time, and now her time had come. So, he brought her to the doctor, and the doctor began to deliver the baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Boudreaux and said, Hey, Boudreaux, you just had you a son! Aint dat just grand"?
Boudreaux got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished up yet!"
The doctor then delivered a little girl.
He said, "Hey, Boudreaux! You got you a daughter! She a pretty lil ting, too."
Boudreaux was kind of puzzled by all this, and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!"
The doctor then delivered another boy and said, " Boudreaux, you just had youself another boy!"
When Boudreaux and Marie went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night what we runned out of dat dere Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?"
She said, "Yeah, I do."
Boudreaux exclaimed, "Man, it's a damn good ting we didn't use no WD-40!"
__________________
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) is not just an athlete ....she is a nurse currently working at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.
She is not permitted to answer the telephone. It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say ...
*
*
*
*
*
Picabo, ICU.
What a laugh. Made me smile and, just made me share it with all ya'll.
Two Jewish men, "Sid" and "Al" were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. Sid asked Al, "Are there any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?"
Al replied, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Mexican Jews?" and the waiter said, "I don't know Señor, I'll ask the cooks."
He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said "No Señor, no Mexican Jews."
Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, "Are you absolutely sure?"
The waiter, realizing he was dealing with "Gringos" gave the expected answer, "I will check again, Señor!" and went back into the kitchen.
While the waiter was away, Sid said, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."
The waiter returned and said, "Señor, the head cook says "No Mexican Jews!"
"Are you certain?" Al asked once again, "I can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!"
"Señor, I ask EVERYONE," replied the exasperated waiter. "We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Mexican Jews!"
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?" He says, "OK, Get in the car with it." "Where shall I put it to get it warm?"
He says, "Put it in between your legs It's nice and warm there.
"But what about the smell?"
"Just hold its nose."
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene
It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was
indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold" the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it's going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
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