1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?
__________________
Ed Gibson 2001 Black Z06 64 & 68 Corvette verts
1985 BMW K100 m/c
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."
So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.
"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."
I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.
It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.
The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes.
About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.
Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.
According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us
who were kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's, or even maybe the early 70's probably shouldn't have survived.
Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets,
and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets.
(Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.)
As children, we would ride in cars with no seatbelts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a Ute or truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.
Horrors!
We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. WE HAD NO MOBILE PHONES!!!!!
Unthinkable!
We did not have Play stations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms.
We had friends! We went outside and found them.
We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no
lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame but us. Remember accidents?
We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.
We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms, and although we were told it would happen, we did not poke out any eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them.
Footy and netball clubs had tryouts and not everyone made the team.
Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.
Some students weren't as smart as others, so they failed a grade and were
held back to repeat the same grade. Tests were not adjusted for any reason.
Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law. Imagine that!
Our generation produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever.
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer, dude!
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
A store that sells husbands has just opened in Ottawa where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?"
So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love, kids
The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"
The fourth floor sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.
"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads:
Floor 6
You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Husband Mart and have a nice day.
Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and
thinking...surely I cannot look that old? You may enjoy this short
story.
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30 years ago.
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school. "Yes," he replied. "When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "In 1971. Why?" "You were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely and then the SOB asked, ........ "What did you teach?"
__________________
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
A high school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we saw all his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good, Sally, but I want the word "fascinate".
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Little Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My cousin's wife has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big, she can only fasten eight."
Bill and Hillary were at the Yankee's home opener, sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them. One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and says something to Bill. The former president stared at the guy, looked at Hillary, looked back at the agent, and shrugged his shoulders. Then Bill picked up Hillary by the coat collar and the seat of her pants, and dropped her right over the wall onto the field. She's kicking and swearing and screaming, and the crowd is going absolutely wild. They're cheering, applauding, and high-fiving each other. Bill is bowing and smiling, when the agentleans forward and says: "I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH"
"A new poll says that if the election were held today, John Kerry would beat President Bush by a double digit margin. The White House is so worried about this, they're now thinking of moving up the capture of Osama Bin Laden to next month." -- Jay Leno
"President Bush has unveiled his first campaign commercial, highlighting all of his accomplishments in office. That's why it's a 60-second spot." -- Jay Leno
"President Bush says he has just one question for the American voters, 'Is the rich person you're working for better off now than they were four years ago?'" -- Jay Leno
"Kerry is well on his way to reaching his magic number of 2,162. That's the total number of delegates he needs to win the Democratic nomination. See, for President Bush it's different. His magic number is only 5. That's the number of Supreme Court judges needed to win." -- Jay Leno
"There was a scare in Washington when a man climbed over the White House wall and was arrested. This marks the first time a person has gotten into The White House unlawfully since President Bush." -- David Letterman
"The White House is now backtracking from its prediction that 2.6 million new jobs will be created in the U.S. this year. They say they were off, by roughly 2.6 million jobs."
-- Jay Leno
"President Bush said he was 'troubled' by gay people getting married in San Francisco. He said on important issues like this the people should make the decision, not judges. Unless of course we're choosing a president, then he prefers judges." -- Jay Leno
"There was an embarrassing moment in the White House earlier today. They were looking around searching for George Bush's military records. They actually found some old Al Gore ballots." -- David Letterman
"On 'Meet the Press' yesterday President Bush was asked what he would do if he lost the election and Bush said, 'Shhh, you mean like last time?'" -- Jay Leno
"This week, both John Kerry and Wesley Clark are making campaign appearance with the guys who saved their lives in Vietnam. Meanwhile, President Bush is campaigning with a guy that once took a math test for him." -- Conan O'Brien
"President Bush released his new $2.4 trillion federal budget. It has two parts: smoke and mirrors." -- Jay Leno
"President Bush said that American workers will need new skills to get the new jobs in the 21st century. Some of the skills they're going to need are Spanish, Chinese, and Korean, because that's where the jobs went." -- Jay Leno
"The U.S. Army confirmed that it gave a lucrative fighting contract in Iraq to the firm once run by the Vice President Dick Cheney without any competitive bidding. When asked if this could be conceived as Cheney's friends profiting from the war, the spokesman said, 'Yes.' " -- Conan O'Brien
"Dick Cheney finally responded today to demands that he reveal the details of the Enron meetings. This is what he said. 'He met with unnamed people, from unspecified companies, for an indeterminate amount of time, at an undisclosed location.' Thank God he cleared that up."
-- Jay Leno
"Plans are being discussed as to who will replace Dick Cheney if he has to resign for health reasons. It's not easy for President Bush. He can't just name a replacement. He would first have to be confirmed by the oil, gas and power companies." -- Jay Leno
"President Bush spoke briefly to reporters before playing a round of golf in Crawford, Texas, earlier today. This raises the question: Shouldn't the guy who is really running the country and who has had like 20 heart attacks be taking the vacation?" -- Craig Kilborn
"The White House has now released military documents they say prove George Bush met his requirements for the National Guard. Big deal, we've got documents that prove Al Gore won the election." -- Jay Leno
(DC - District of Comlumbia)
Education and warnings if you are a tourist to National Capital Area where I live
Attention Tourists:
It has been called to the attention of the DC Tourism Authority that rules need to be implemented in order to protect tourists from DC natives. If you follow the following guidelines you will enjoy your stay in DC, and you will remain alive.
1) WALKING.
It has become painfully obvious that as a tourist, walking somehow escapes you. Your entire family/school group needn't walk at a snail's pace in a skirmish line, thereby effectively blocking anyone else's passage. This makes DC natives extremely unpleasant. "Move, you idiot!" is not a standard complimentary greeting, but you should expect to hear it often. DC Law now allows District natives to eat the youngest child in your group if you are found in violation of this law.
2) METRO ETIQUETTE.
We know. You don't have these new-fangled train systems in Alabama. If it is not a Ford F150, you are totally confused. However, you must be aware the following procedures when riding the Metro, otherwise you could find yourself checked into the Rain-Man Suite of the Hotel Smackdown. Escalators-Yes, they are stairs and yes they move. It's called technology.
However, it's not Disneyworld or Opryland. You must stand on the right and walk on the left. Standing on the left could result in serious bodily injury. You don't belong there. Your children don't belong there. Your
smellhound Geech (unless he is a seeing eye smellhound) does not belong there. Walk on the left. DC Law now allows residents to eliminate tourists by any means necessary in order to keep the left moving. When you reach the top or bottom of the escalator, MOVE! Don't debate where the Smithsonian is. Don't decide to do a headcount. Since the stairs move, chances are other people will be behind you.
Platforms-Generally when the doors open on a train, people are going to get off. It is not an invitation to weasel on for that choice seat near the map. (Don't worry, we'll get to the map.) DC residents are allowed to push you and all your children onto the tracks for violating this one.
Subway Cars-The pole is not the one you dance on at the nudie bar back in your white trash trailer existence at home. Don't hug it, lick it or hump it. Other people may want to use it for holding on. You can be groped legally if you are humping the pole.
Maps-The trains are color coded. It's not rocket science. No matter how many times you look at the map, you cannot change the direction of the train. Look once, maybe ask someone. But don't stay there staring at the map for 8 hours. The Law currently allows DC natives to pee on map gawkers.
Your Two Cents-No one asked you to butt into a conversation. So don't. Your children's eyes can be removed legally for this offense. Also staring and smiling - don't do it, or someone is allowed to pop a cap in your butt.
3) EXTERNAL BEHAVIOR
Lunch-DC natives have the uncanny knack of going out on weekdays between the hours of 12 and 2 PM to buy some food for consumption. Yes, we know it is a whole lot to ask since you must be so hungry from doing nothing all day, but BRING YOUR OWN LUNCH!! Nothing is more disheartening than standing in line at your favorite lunch place while 50 foul mouthed urchins debate pepperoni vs. regular / thin vs. thick crust. DC law allows natives to disembowel tourists if the lines are too long.
Dinner-"Hey this bar looks good. Let's bring all of our children to this authentic DC watering hole. It's smoky and full of Washingtonians blowing off steam from a hard day. The word 'f...' replaces the article 'the.'
There are college kids every where attempting to get into each others' pants." So of course, there is no better place for your children and you to get a bite. Stick to Planet Hollywood and Hard Rock. We don't go there, so don't go into our bars. DC Law forces violating tourists to pay everyone else's bar tab for the remainder of the night. Hope you brought your AMEX.
4) DRESS CODE
We had no choice but to implement a dress code in the District. You people are just too nasty. Do you watch what your children are wearing? If your daughter is 14 and weighs 200 lbs, chances are she should not be wearing a cut-off T-shirt and pants so tight, her gut has a gut. Stupid hats, visors, sunglasses and those shirts that your entire group has made just for this trip must be left at your hotels. People who violate the dress code of the district, which just requests that you dress reasonably, will be deported.
5) DRIVING
Get on a tour so your car/Winnebago does not add to an already overcrowded road structure If you drive get a map and read it. If you miss your turn do not make stupid illegal turns in front of oncoming traffic and hope that they will slow down in time. Your driving mistake is your problem and should not become ours. If you can't read a map go to a 7-11 for directions. We hope you are multi lingual because english is a second language there. If all else fails...stay home.
So there it is. If y'all don't like it, visit Virginia. It's for lovers, after all. And whiskey tangos. You'll fit right in.
------------------------------------------
Other than these issues we are a friendly area when you invade us in the Spring and Summer......Not
A rich lady from California, who was a tree hugger and a vociferous anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree.
As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts.
In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest country doctor. Being a hunter himself, the doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.
The angry lady demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area and I'm sorry, but they all turned me down."
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