A blonde and a brunette are out driving, and the brunette tells the blonde to look out for cops - especially cops with their lights on. After they've been driving for a while, the brunette asks the blonde if she's seen any cops.
"Yes," says the blonde.
"Are their lights on?"
The blonde has to think for a moment, then says, "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No."
A man walked into a curio store and was shopping around. After awhile, he chose a brass rat and brought it up to the counter.
"That will be $10 for the brass rat and $1,000 for the story behind it," said the proprietor.
"Thanks, but I'll just pay the $10 and pass on the story." He purchased the brass rat and left the store. As he was walking down the street, he started noticing all sorts of rats following him. The further he walked, the more rats followed. He walked down to the wharf and still more rats came out and followed him. So, he decided to walk out into the water, all the rats drowned. He returned to the store shortly.
"Ah-ha!" said the proprietor. "You've come back for the story, right?"
"Nope," said the man. "You have any brass lawyers?"
Senate Democrats have just defeated a Republican plan to eliminate overtime pay for white-collar workers.
But the employees really affected by the vote aren't celebrating, mostly because it'll take awhile for the news to reach India.
The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction (although it knows none exist); this depletes all storage, memory and functioning capabilities.
The Ronald Reagan Virus - Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory.
The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting.
The Bob Dole aka “Viagra” Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.
The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.
The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.
The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 150 GB.
The Jack Kevorkian Virus - Deletes all old files.
The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.
The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.
The Joey Buttafuoco Virus - Only attacks minor files.
The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch
floppy ... then discards it through Windows.
__________________
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a
grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy
blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard
the children getting more and more rambunctious, her
patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around
her head and stormed into their room, putting them
back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room,
she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling
voice, "Who was THAT?"
A mother was telling her little girl what her own
childhood was like:
"We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing
made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front
yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in
the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in.
At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you
sooner!"
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