My grandson was visiting one day when he asked,
"Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"! I
mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are
we alike?"
"You're both old," he replied.
__________________
Ed Gibson 2001 Black Z06 64 & 68 Corvette verts
1985 BMW K100 m/c
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her
father's word processor She told him she was writing a
story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her
colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point
out something and ask what color it was. She would
tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun
for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the
door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try
to figure out some of these yourself!"
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten
Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last
one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what
it was. Susie raised her! hand, stood tall, and
quoted,
"Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's
wife,"
Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell
his father about the movie we had watched on
television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes
with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him
wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband
interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?"
With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was
the 20,000 leaks!"
When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation
cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to
keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few
fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did,
Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes
are coming after us with flashlights."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I
teasingly replied, "I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandma! ," he advised. "Mine
says I'm four."
A second grader came home from school and said to
her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make
babies today." The mother, more than a little
surprised, tried to keep her cool.
"That's interesting," she said, "How do you make
babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change"y"
to "i" and add 'es'."
Children's Logic: Give me a sentence about a public
servant," said a teacher.
The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder
pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct
him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means
carrying a child."
A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson
one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what
was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got
to the bottom, there were three of those little green
army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are these
army men doing in my coffee?"
Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV - "The best
part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!"
Susie Sunshine asked her Sunday School class to draw
pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was
puzzled by Jimmie's picture which showed four people
on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was
meant to represent.
"The flight to Egypt." said Jimmy.
"I see, and that must be Mary, Joseph and Baby Jesus,"
Ms. Susie said.
But who's the fourth person?"
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station
wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck
zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire
truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started
discussing the dog's duties. They use him to keep
crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. "They
use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire
hydrant."
BMW
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smooth she says," What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor." She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science &Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
FINAL EXAM
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out. During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."
WHAT DOG!!
A girl was visiting her blond friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HelOOOooo," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A blonde goes into the curtain shop to buy some curtains. She asks the assistant, "I'd like to buy some curtains for my computer" Alarmed, the assistant says, "Curtains for your computer?? Computers don't need curtains" To which the blonde replied, Heeeellllooo, my computer has Windows!"
You may not know that many non-living things have a gender...
For example...
1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.
7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
10) Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
The Top 13 Clever Ways to Defend
Against a Planet-Destroying Asteroid
--------------------------
Quickly rotate planet so that Iraq absorbs the impact.
"That's right, Mr. Brando! A giant meatball! Just for you!"
The Roadrunner approach: Fake it out by painting the moon to look like Earth.
Ban teaching the theory of asteroids in your science class.
Commission Christo to make one of those big-ass umbrellas, using Kevlar.
Inform Starbucks corporate headquarters that no franchise has been detected on the asteroid's surface. Wait 24 hours.
Convince it to join the Reform Party.
Break it up by bombarding it with radio waves of Yoko Ono's music.
Give *everyone* their own personal asteroid. (Submitted by the NRA)
Time to roll out that gigantic tube of Preparation-A.
Marge Schott in a bikini - that would repel *anything*.
Send Bruce Willis into space to blow it up. Even if he fails: Hey, you got rid of Bruce Willis!
and the Number 1 Clever Way to Defend Against a Planet-Destroying Asteroid...
Forget about sending astronauts to destroy it -- go back to your old high school hangout and get those guys with the initials "D.I.K." and "F.U.K." who always seemed to have the high scores on the video game.
The men of Charlie Company had been in the field for two weeks when the Sarge announces, "I've got good news and bad news. First the good news. Today we're going to change our underwear."
The troops started cheering at the news.
"Now the bad news. Smith, you change with Jones. Andrews, you change with Murphy . . . "
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