A professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular
Contractions" to first year medical students.
Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject
the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said,
"Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're
having an orgasm?"
She replied, "He's probably at the bar
drinking beer with his friends"
__________________
aldrichc5
02 MY Z06
04 4x4 Duramax
08 335I
I Cannot See
I Cannot Pee
I Cannot Chew
I Cannot Screw
Oh, My God, What Can I Do?
My Memory Shrinks
My Hearing Stinks
No Sense of Smell
I Look Like Hell
My Mood is Bad -- Can't You Tell?
My Body is Drooping
Have Trouble Pooping
The Golden Years Have Come at Last
The Golden Years can Kiss My Ass!
__________________
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father, never having seen an elevator responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the two moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out. The father said quietly to his son...
A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter dear?
Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.
"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked. "Yes, I do," she replied.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car kissing?" "Yes, I remember."
"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?'"
"Yes, I do," she said. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know... I would have gotten out today."
Investment Tips for 2006: For all of you with any money left in the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Time Warner implosion, and the Sears/K-Mart wedding, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in the near future:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R.Grace Company will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace
2. Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner, Cracker
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as: MMMGood
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa
5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: > FedUP
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: KnottNOW!
9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: Titty Titty Bang Bang
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me", she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes", the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments then asked, "How does that feel".?
He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Ripley, West Virginia~~ After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar who was obviously so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into.
He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) -- flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left.
At last, the parking lot empty, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud Hillbilly. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
__________________
Ed Gibson 2001 Black Z06 64 & 68 Corvette verts
1985 BMW K100 m/c
Location: Tucson, Arizona, Z06 Fest Member V, VI and WinterFest I, II
Posts: 4,107
BUSH PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY DESTROYED BY FLOOD
Crawford, Texas - A tragic flood this morning destroyed the
personal library of President George W. Bush. The flood
began in the presidential bathroom where both of the books
were kept. Both of his books have been lost. A presidential
spokesman said the president was devastated, as he had
almost finished coloring the second one. The White House
tried to call FEMA but there was no answer.
The Teacher, Miss. Jones, was very curious about how each of her students celebrated Christmas.
She called on young Patrick Murphy. "Tell me Patrick what do you do at Christmas time?" she asked.
Patrick addressed the class, "Well Miss, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to the midnight Mass and we sing hymns, then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings.
Then all excited we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys."
"Very nice Patrick," she said.
"Now Jimmy Brown what do you do at Christmas?"
"Well, Miss. Jones, me and my sister also go to Church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents. "
Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him
out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"
Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office.
We all pile into the Escalade, then we drive to his toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing 'What a friend we have in Jesus."
An Old Farmer Went To Town To See A Movie.
The Ticket Agent Asked, "sir, What's That On Your Shoulder?" The Old Farmer Said, "that's My Pet Rooster Chucky. Wherever I Go,
Chuck Goes.""i'm Sorry Sir," Said The Ticket Agent."we Can't Allow Animals In The Theater."
The Old Farmer Went Around The Corner And Stuffed The Bird Down His Overalls.he Returned To The Booth, Bought A Ticket And Entered The Theater. He
Sat Down Next To Two Old Widows Named Mildred And Marge.
The Movie Started And The Rooster Began To Squirm. The Old Farmer Unbuttoned His Fly So Chucky Could Stick His Head Out And Watch The Movie.
"marge," Whispered Mildred. "what?" Said Marge. "i Think The Guy Next To Me Is A Pervert." "what Makes You Think So?" Asked Marge.
"he Undid His Pants And He Has His Thing Out, " Whispered Mildred. "well, Don't Worry About It,! " Said Marge. "hell, At Our Age We've
Seen 'em All". "i Thought So Too, " Said Mildred, "but This One's Eatin' My Popcorn".
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend,
Mr. Common Sense. Mr. Sense had been with us for many
years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his
birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such value
lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why
the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always
fair. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial
policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable
parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge).
His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well
intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in
place. - Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with
sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens
suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch;
and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student,
only worsened his condition.
Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were
required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to
a student; but could not inform the parents when a
student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten
Commandments became contraband; churches became
businesses; and criminals received better treatment than
their victims.
Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed
to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she
spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge financial
settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents,
Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility;
and his son, Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers;
My Rights and Ima Whiner.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was
gone. If you still remember him, pass this on; if not, join
the majority and do nothing.
__________________
Best regards,
Bill
2003 Quicksilver roadster, 1SB, F55, QF5, MN6, Z06 Ti catback, 2 cat H-pipe, wheels & air lid, Euro 90/130 watt headlights & red/clear tails, Homelink, CLB, and HP Tuners s/w - available to any 2003 in Calgary
Location: Yuma, Az. ?????? Z06 Fest IV, V, VII and Winterfest 1 & 2
Posts: 2,966
Holiday Eating Tips:
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me.
Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming
"WOO HOO what a ride!"
HAPPY HOLIDAYS
__________________
Sig by GR8 White (modified by Speedratchet) 2004 MS/BLK
NCM#31853 Still retired out in the middle of nowhere.
Linear Mode
