Last Tuesday I agreed to join my activist friend Nate and a couple of his friends on a mission to eliminate overtly religious symbolism from public places. Our target was a large Catholic church that was prominently displaying a nativity scene on its front lawn. This church was making people look at something potentially damaging to their sensitivities and almost forcing them to become religious. We figured we'd try to save the ACLU some money and take care of it ourselves.
Our plan was to sneak in at night and remove the offending religious figures, leaving in their place a letter denouncing the hurtfulness of forced religion and, of course, calling for the legalization of marijuana.
I met up with Nate, whom we affectionately call "Sasquatch" because he's about five feet tall, easily two hundred pounds, and has a big bushy beard and wild hair. After polishing off several bowls of delightful herb, we quenched our munchies at a local Mexican buffet, then met up with the others and headed to our target. The ride to the church was an unpleasant one, as four bean burritos and a pitcher of beer created some kind of awful cataclysmic chemical reaction in Nate's lower tract, the results of which were distasteful in the extreme. Thankfully, it was a short drive.
Arriving at the church, we checked out the area and were relieved to see it was dimly lit and located on a quiet street. The nativity scene was fairly elaborate, with life-sized characters gathered around a manger, a few sheep and donkeys, and even a canvas backdrop painted to look like a barn. Just looking at it made me want to become religious - it was clear it had to go.
It was cold and still as we crept up to the display and each grabbed a figurine. Carefully and quietly we put them in the van and went back for the rest. Just then, out of a side door of the church came eight to ten nuns walking toward the display. They were laughing and talking as they came around the backdrop, then silently stood, reverently gazing at the holy scene. We had no time to run. Thankfully, I was wearing my shawl and hopefully looked like Mary as I stood motionless looking into the Joseph statue's eyes. Steve posed as the shepherd and except for the tattoos, Reeboks, and puka shell necklace, also looked the part. Marcus was hiding behind a donkey but where was Nate?
Then the unthinkable happened. The peaceful quiet was shattered when out of the manger came a flatulent trumpet blast so loud and angry, several of the nuns fainted and most of the others turned and ran! The two who remained cautiously started walking toward us with crucifixes raised. Just as they reached the manger, Nate suddenly jumped up holding the baby Jesus doll, looking for all the world like a crazed caveman wrapped in swaddling clothes. The last thing I saw before I turned and ran was one wiry little nun hanging onto Nate's leg while the other was beating him so hard with the baby Jesus that its legs flew off. I'll never forget Nate's screams as he pleaded for mercy or the sound that baby Jesus made every time it made contact with his forehead.
With the sound of police sirens and radios in the air, I ran for my life, suddenly aware that a vicious police dog was closely pursuing me. I ran through yards and bushes, even jumped over fences, but couldn't shake the animal. When I slowed, it slowed, when I turned, it turned, dogging my every step, always on the verge of tearing into me with its sharp teeth! Finally, as I ran by, some wino in the alley yelled, "Why is that sheep chasing you?" I turned around and found one of the nativity sheep had gotten caught in the tassels of my shawl! I collapsed in exhaustion.
Three days later I saw Nate after he was released on bail. He still had a perfect impression of the face of the baby Jesus on his forehead, not to mention an irrational fear of religion that will probably take years of psychotherapy to overcome. As for myself, I'll be glad when this holiday season is over.
... Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas.
Iv ben a good Boy all yeer.
YeR FReND, BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawn care specialist.
How 'bout I send you a freakin' book so you can learn to read and write?
I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!
Santa
_____________
Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire
truck. Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!
Love, Joey
Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your freakin
house. Then you'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with!
Santa
_____________
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd
like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please
see what you can do.
Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy,
What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the
babysitter? He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son! Let
me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
_____________
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes,
a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis
Dear Francis,
Francis...FRANCIS! Who the hell names their kid "Francis" nowadays? How
'bout I get you a Barbie and Ken doll FRANCIS! ...hahahahahahahahaha. Tell
me Francis, do you get punched in the face alot in school? hehehehehohoho
Santa
_____________
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year?
Are you making toys?
Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas,
You must be a major DORK. Don't you read the freakin' tags
you little loser? All toys get made in China! I have a
condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing
cocktail waitresses asses, and losing all my cash at
the craps table. And NO you little dweeb - reindeers can't
fly. But they sure taste good with A-1 sauce!
Santa
_____________
Dear Santa,
I really, really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please PLEASE!
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging crap may work with your folks, but
that stuff don't work up here. You're getting a sweater
again. Are you by any chance related to Francis?
Santa
_____________
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky
Mark,
Firstly, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're
getting your ass beat at school. Secondly, you don't live
in a house, that's a low-rent apartment complex you're living in.
Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do,
through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams!
Santa
__________________
aldrichc5
02 MY Z06
04 4x4 Duramax
08 335I
Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary Louise to the hardware store.
At the hardware store, Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.
When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot. Joe Bob replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!"
"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Joe Bob went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Joe Bob yelled, "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
Mary Louise replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
This is why you can't send a woman to a hardware store .
A little old lady, From Memphis, Tennessee is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her.... "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."
"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to
the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"
"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pays."
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.
After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an
exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."
The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter.
He queries the minister and receives the same reply. "Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!"
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a rabbi, a man of thousands of years of tradition and knowledge.
The rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is
definitely play."
The man replies! "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"
The rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex was work, my wife would have the maid do it."
Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for 20 years, but he will kill any man who does.
Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.
An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an
Irishman a question, he answers with another question?"
"Who told you that?" asked Paddy.
Q. - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
A. - So the English can understand them.
Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"
Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"
Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."
Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?"
"No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time."
Q. - What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. - A bachelor.
Finnegan: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegan: Waitin' for me to come home.
Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" he said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!"
"Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.
"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."
"O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?"
"It did, surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"
Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their
honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life, and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?
__________________
Ed Gibson 2001 Black Z06 64 & 68 Corvette verts
1985 BMW K100 m/c
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment... Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.
One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market.
We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen.
Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane was hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.
She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.
Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the f#ck away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."
A 60-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you.
Why, you might live forever. You have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"
The 60 year old responded, "Who said he was dead?"
The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"
The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."
The doctor couldn't believe it. "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"
The 60 year old responded again, "Who said he was dead?"
The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"
The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."
The doctor said, "At 106 years old, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"
His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Who said he wanted to?"
Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine.
Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said
"Ya know Mahtha, I'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane."
And every year Martha would say "I know Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."
So Stumpy says "By Jeebers Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old. If I don't go this time I may nevah go."
Martha replies "Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."
So the pilot overhears them and says "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE word, I won't charge you, but just one word and it's ten dollars."
They agree and up they go.The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard.
He does it one more time, still nothing. So he lands.
He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn't."
And Stumpy replies "Well, I was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out, but ten dollahs is ten dollahs!"
...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering..
A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.
When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.
When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"
"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.
"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.
"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.
"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.
"Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"
"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."
"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.
"There should be a bowl by the pump."
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveller filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.
"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.
"This is Heaven," he answered.
"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."
"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell."
"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"
"No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind."
Soooo ...
Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word. Maybe this will explain.
When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes.
When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes.
When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes.
Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get? A forwarded joke.
So, next time you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.
You are all welcome @ my water bowl anytime.
__________________
Best regards,
Bill
2003 Quicksilver roadster, 1SB, F55, QF5, MN6, Z06 Ti catback, 2 cat H-pipe, wheels & air lid, Euro 90/130 watt headlights & red/clear tails, Homelink, CLB, and HP Tuners s/w - available to any 2003 in Calgary
An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe, and eyeing two Canadian government officials sent to interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "you have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, Medicine Man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
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