I received a call from my good friend and PETA activist, Scooter. He asked me if I would help him liberate some minks from a breeding facility in the Midwest. As I'm sure you know, they make these poor little animals into clothing for rich Republicans (I've heard Dick Cheney's wife even wears mink underwear). I didn't hesitate to say yes.
Scooter and I met up in a small town close to our target and discussed the operation over dinner. Our plan was not only to free the oppressed animals, but also to do as much punitive damage as possible to the property. Scooter brought some spray paint so we could leave some dramatic slogans as a "calling card." After we finished going over our strategy, we drove to the property in my rental car, listening to some Grateful Dead and smoking several "fatties" to get into the proper state of mind.
We chose this facility because there was nobody living on-site and it was located in a fairly remote, rural area. After briefly getting lost, we finally found it in a grove of trees at the end of a long dirt driveway. Pulling up to the property, we could barely make out a low metal building, a small trailer, several old cars, and a small lean-to filled with what were probably bags of feed. It was a moonless night, black as coal, and due to Scooter's forgetfulness, we had only one small flashlight between us. Great.
We had decided that I would collect the minks while Scooter spray painted slogans and vandalized the property. He disappeared into the darkness while I took the flashlight and entered the metal building through an unlocked window. Once inside, I was taken aback by what I saw: cage after cage filled with cute, fuzzy little cooing minks. They looked into the light with expressions of desperation as if to say, "Please help us, we just want to be free. We want to live our lives in the wild and raise our children with love in peace and harmony. We beg you, please, please, help us!" Their sorrowful stares said other stuff also, but I didn't have time to interpret it. Moving quickly, I opened each cage and held a large burlap bag to the opening as the little animals scurried inside. By the time I was done, I had filled three large bags.
I came outside just as Scooter finished painting slogans on the trailer. After loading the bags into the back seat, we jumped into the car and took off. Unfortunately, our journey to freedom lasted about ten seconds, as we immediately careened into a ditch because our tires were flat. We got out, surveyed the damage, and in the dim light of the flashlight saw that not only were all four tires flat, thanks to Scooter's ice pick, but my rental car now had the word "KILLERS" spray painted in huge dripping red letters on both sides! Several things immediately crossed my mind: (1) Scooter is a moron; (2) I should have got the full insurance coverage on the rental car, and (3) Scooter is a moron. We stood there for a few minutes while Pinhead Scooter tried to explain how hard it was to distinguish between the cars in the dark, and how he had really poor night vision, etc. Finally, we decided to get back in the car and smoke a few more joints and try to figure out what to do.
In retrospect, we probably should have rolled down the windows or turned on the ventilation or something. All I know is by the time we finished the third joint, we became aware of a rustling in the back seat. Scooter reached back through the fog of smoke to check the bags and said he felt fur. They had escaped. More precisely, they had eaten their way out of the bags. Later we noticed they had also eaten most of the rear seat and both armrests.
As I fumbled for the interior light switch, Scooter started screaming. This was not an "Eek, I'm scared" type of scream, but a falsetto blood-curdling "Wild-animals-are-ripping-my-fingers-off" kind of scream. When I finally got the interior lights on, I saw Scooter violently thrashing in the passenger's seat, a snarling mink clamped on his throat, another swinging from his ear, one more hanging off his chest, and a couple ripping at his crotch! His piercing screams were mixed with the demonic snarling of the wild beasts as they tore at his flesh! The air was filled with blood, pieces of skin, fur, sweat, and desperation! As one of the crazed rats flew over the seat and clamped itself to the side of my neck, I ripped the rear view mirror from the windshield and started flailing at the furry assassins with all my strength. Every time I dropped one, two more came flying with claws outstretched, teeth flashing, and murder in their little bloodshot eyes! We were in a battle for our very lives!
I don't know how long the melee lasted, but finally it was quiet, except for Scooter's moaning and the soft whimpering of the injured plush-rats-from-hell. The final toll was 42 minks dead or injured, two fingertips and one nipple eaten/missing from Scooter, a big hunk of skin torn off my neck, and most of the upholstery, four tires, rear view mirror, and 60 percent of the paint destroyed on my 2006 Chevrolet Impala rental car. But we were alive.
There were some positive things that came from all this, however. I had enough dead minks to make myself a rather crude but elegant housecoat, matching booties, and a warm hat for Scooter. Also, after spending almost $800.00 at the vet, I was thankfully able to save two of the little creatures. After Scooter got out of the hospital, we had a solemn ceremony where we released the two surviving minks into the wild. We saw them both squished on the interstate the next morning. Oh well.
The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.
As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.
"Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my
16 year old granddaughter drinks...................And believe me, it helps me sleep at night."
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aldrichc5
02 MY Z06
04 4x4 Duramax
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A sweet, little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand.
There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."
"Damn!" says the sweet, little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the sweet, little old lady, smiling broadly. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game; a lot
of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"
"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingy through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the sweet, little old lady, "not all of them pay up"!
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Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
An American is having breakfast, in Paris, (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam, when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
The Frenchman says to the American, "You American folk eat the whole bread?"
The American replies, "Of course."
The Frenchman chewing bubble gum and after blowing a huge bubble, says to the American with a smirk on his face, "We don't! In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The American listens in silence.
Yet, the Frenchman persists and says, "Do you eat jelly with the bread?"
The American, becoming irritated with the Frenchman replies, "Of Course!"
The Frenchman, cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling says, "We don't! In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the states."
After a moment of silence the American asks, "Do you Frenchmen have sex in France?"
The Frenchman with a big smirk on face replies, "Why of course we do!"
The American asks, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
The Frenchman says, "We throw them away, of course."
The American replies, "Well, we don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum and sell them to France."
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.
She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below.
She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The sailor consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north
latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
She rolled her eyes and yelled down, "You must be a Republican."
"I am." replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still
lost. Frankly, you've been no help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "Then you must be a Democrat."
"I am," replied the Balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow now, it's my fault."
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"The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to
escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane."
Marcus Aurelius
An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied: a can of peaches.
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the African desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we have the camel."
The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"
"No, not really, sir...They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."
A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special area.
He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before turning to read his book. The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement she gets up and starts stripping in front of him.
The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your clothes?"
His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay."
The husband says, "No, not at all."
His wife asks angrily, "Well, what the hell were you doing then?"
Seconds before his death, he says... "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages".
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on
some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the
plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
Location: Riverview, FL Z06 FEST Participant III, IV, V, VII Ocean Fest & Winter Fest I
Posts: 6,028
Greek vs Italian
A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy says,
"Well, we have the Parthenon."
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."
The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman empire."
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."
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I do not suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it! CLICK FOR MY PICS LIFE IS TOO SHORT, HAVE FUN, NO REGRETS
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