Two men were having a conversation about what they got their wives for their birthdays.
The first man says "I got my wife a diamond ring and a BMW. That way, if she didn't like the diamond ring, she can drive her new car to the mall and get herself a new gift."
The second man replied, "I got my wife a pair of sandals and a dildo."
The first man looked really confused and asked, "How did you come up with that combination?"
"If she didn't like the sandals, she can go f*** herself!"
Well, this was one dramatic week. It all started late Monday night when Scooter, still in obvious distress over the death of his hamster "Jumpy," called to tell me goodbye forever. It seems he couldn't face a world "where little innocent hamsters die for no reason, and Republicans are on the verge of sending everybody they don't like to religious forced-labor camps that are controlled by Halliburton." I guess the fact that the little rat died after Scooter had forgotten to feed him for about a month hadn't influenced Scooter's fatalistic reasoning. I jumped into my car and raced to Scooter's house, hoping I could get there in time before he did something stupid.
Upon arriving at Scooter's place I found the door unlocked and rushed in, calling his name. I heard a weird sound in the bedroom, and there my worst fears were realized. Protruding from about two feet of oozing white foam I saw poor Scooter's legs beside the bed. Oh crap! I reached into the bubbling mass and pulled Scooter's limp body onto the bed. Apparently the source of the foam was Scooter himself, as the stuff was coming out his nose and mouth at a prodigious rate. What was this stuff? My question was answered by the dozens of ripped-open packets of Alka-Seltzer and the empty quart bottles of club soda. I guess a lack of decent prescription drugs had forced Scooter to improvise, and judging by the evidence it was clear he had tried to blow himself up, apparently somewhat successfully.
As I tried to figure out the best course of action, I noticed Scooter had dug up Jumpy's little decaying body and had placed him in his shirt pocket. I also noticed a piece of paper pinned to Scooter's shirt that I assumed to be a suicide note, but now was pretty much just a big blue blur, as the ink had been no match for the bubbling liquids. I made a mental note to tell Scooter Kevorkian to do the note in pencil next time. Anyway, I called 911 and while waiting for them to arrive, did the only thing I could think of to save my friend - I grabbed his wet 'n dry vac I had given him for Christmas and duct-taped the hose to his nose, figuring it would suck the foam out of him. I was terrified my efforts might be too little, too late. I cranked the vacuum to "high," and prayed.
Fortunately the paramedics arrived quickly and Scooter was rushed to the hospital where thanks to the valiant efforts of the ER crew, he was saved. The most serious damage he suffered was apparently caused by a cataclysmic belch that had propelled a baked bean he had eaten for dinner into his nasal cavity. They said just two more Alka-Seltzers could have possibly blown this bean through the tender nasal tissue and right into his brain, where it could have potentially killed him. Oh, Scooter was so lucky!
After bringing Scooter home from the hospital, I was delighted to give him the new little friend I had picked up at the pet store - a beautiful brown and white hamster I named "Jumpy 2." You should have seen the smile on Scooter's face when I placed the cute little thing in his hands. The only bad thing was I must have accidentally sat on little Jumpy 2 on the way home, as he was pretty flat and stiff as a plank. That was over an hour ago and judging by the fizzing I hear coming from the bathroom, I think I'd better call 911. Gotta go.
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Last edited by DigitalDisaster : 05-19-2006 at 11:30 AM.
A redneck family from the hills was visiting the
city and they were in a mall for the first time in
their lives. The father and son were strolling around
while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,
silver walls that could move apart and then slide back
together again. The boy asked, "Paw, what's at?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded,
"Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in
my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with
amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up
to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls
opened and the lady rolled between them into a small
room. The walls closed and the boy and his father
watched the small circular number above the walls
light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number
and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous
24 year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son,
"Boy..................go git cha Momma
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aldrichc5
02 MY Z06
04 4x4 Duramax
08 335I
A Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike,up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me
ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -- grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know $hxx?"
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Ed Gibson 2001 Black Z06 64 & 68 Corvette verts
1985 BMW K100 m/c
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following
conversation took place:
First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to
come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I
will paint every room in our house next weekend."
Second guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my
wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to fish when they realize that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him, "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?
Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said,
A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is
standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
"You know dear," she says, "I look in the mirror and see an old woman.
My face is wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, and my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby."
She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself".
He thinks for a minute and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice,
"Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight".
One dark night outside a small town in Saskatchewan
(that's on the Prairies in Western Canada), a fire started
inside the local sausage plant, and in a blink it
exploded into massive flames.
The alarm went out to all the fire departments from
miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters
appeared on the scene, the sausage company president
rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret
formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant.
They must be saved. I'll give $50,000 to the fire
department that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the fire-fighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the
situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived,
the president shouted out that the offer was now
$100,000 to the fire department who could bring out
the company's secret files. From the distance, a lone
siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight.
It was the nearby Yorkton rural township Volunteer
Fire Department, composed mainly of Ukrainians over
the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire
engine, operated by these Ukrainians, passed all the
newer sleek engines parked outside the plant, and
drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside the other firemen watched as the Ukrainian
old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with
a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Yorkton old-timers had
extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.
The grateful sausage company president joyfully
announced that for such a superhuman feat he was
upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to
personally thank each of the brave, though elderly,
Ukrainian fire-fighters.
The local TV news reporters rushed in after
capturing the event on film, asking, "What are you
going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," said Nick Sputski, the 70-year-old Fire Chief,
"... da furst ting vee gonna do is fix da brakes on
dat focking truck."
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Best regards,
Bill
2003 Quicksilver roadster, 1SB, F55, QF5, MN6, Z06 Ti catback, 2 cat H-pipe, wheels & air lid, Euro 90/130 watt headlights & red/clear tails, Homelink, CLB, and HP Tuners s/w - available to any 2003 in Calgary
God created dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
Dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
God agreed.
God created monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"
And God agreed.
God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
Again God agreed.
God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone who comes by.
A man walks to 5th Ave. & 42nd St. during a downpour and somehow manages to get a taxi immediately. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Sheldon." "Who?"
"Sheldon Cohen. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my cab being vacant during a rainstorm. It would have happened like that for Sheldon every single time."
"Well, no one is perfect. There are always a few clouds over everybody", stated the passenger.
"Not Sheldon. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star. He was more handsome and sophisticated than Cary Grant. He had a better body than Arnold in his prime. He was something. Somehow Sheldon just knew exactly how to make women happy. He had a memory like a computer; could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all
about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."
"Wow, incredible, no wonder you remember him!"
"Well, I never actually met Sheldon."
"Then how do you know so much about him?"
Bubba, a furniture dealer from Tennessee, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris (France, not Paris, Tennessee) to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Tennessee.
To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian woman came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin,and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet café that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the café closed and the band was packing up. Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Bubba has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.
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