John Kerry was going to visit the Catholic
National Cathedral outside Washington as part of his
campaign. Kerry's campaign manager made a visit to the
Cardinal and said to him, "We've been getting a lot of
bad publicity among Catholics because of Kerry's
position on abortion and the like. We'd gladly make a
contribution to the church of $100,000 if during your
sermon you'd say John Kerry is a saint."
The Cardinal thinks it over for a moment and
agrees to do it.
Kerry shows up, and as the Mass progresses the
Cardinal begins his homily. "John Kerry is petty, a
self absorbed hypocrite and a nit-wit. He is a liar,
a cheat, and a thief. He is the worst example of a
Catholic I've ever personally known. But compared to
Ted Kennedy, John Kerry is a saint."
__________________
Ed Gibson 2001 Black Z06 64 & 68 Corvette verts
1985 BMW K100 m/c
Four Catholic Mothers were having coffee together and discussing how wonderful their children are.
The first mother tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone call him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well my son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well not to put you down, but my son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle,"Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a handsome, 6'2", hard-bodied, Chippendale's stripper. Whenever he walks into a room all the women say, 'Oh, my God !'
A college professor, an avowed Atheist, was teaching his
class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly
stated that there is no God, the expression, "One Nation
Under God", was unconstitutional, and further, he was going
to prove there is no God. Addressing the ceiling he shouted:
"God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this
Platform. I'll give you
15 minutes!"
The lecture room fell silent. You could have heard a pin
fall. Ten minutes went by. Again he taunted God, saying,
"Here I am,God. I'm still waiting."
His countdown got down to the last couple of minutes when
a soldier just released from active duty and newly registered
in the class walked up to the professor, hit him full force
in the face, and sent him back over teacups from his lofty
platform. The professor was out cold! At first the students
were shocked and babbled in confusion.
The young Soldier took a seat in the front row and sat silent.
The class fell silent...waiting. Eventually, the professor
came to, shaken. He looked at the young Soldier in the front row.
When he regained his senses and could speak he yelled,
"What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
Two blondes were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green. Each hit their ball anyway. When they walked to the green, they discovered one about three feet from the cup, while the other somehow had gone directly in.
They tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both using Titleist number threes. Unable to decide, they returned to the Club House and asked the golf pro for a ruling.
After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions he asked, "OK, so who was playing the yellow ball?"
"Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park sites?"
"I need a color photograph of George Washington." -- Other individuals asked for, by other patrons, are Christopher Columbus, King Arthur, Moses, Socrates, and more.
"I'm looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I'm having trouble with it in my neck."
"I got a quote from a book I turned in last week but I forgot to write down the author and title. It's big and red, and I found it on the top shelf. Can you find it for me?"
"Do you have anything good to read?" -- The response was, "No, ma'am. I'm afraid we have 75,000 books, and they're all duds."
"I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $39.95. Do you know which one it is?"
"I'm looking for Robert James Waller's book, 'Waltzing through Grand Rapids." -- The actual title is "Slow Waltz In Cedar Bend."
A young minister, in the first days of his first parish, was obliged to call upon the widow of an eccentric man who had just died. Standing before the open casket and consoling the widow, he said, "I know this must be a very hard blow, Mrs. Vernon. But we must remember that what we see here is the husk only, the shell . . . the nut has gone to heaven."
THE FIRST AFFAIR
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them and they took off
for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon.
Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening
around 8.00p.m.
As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside, and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she >nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary, and we've been
having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until 8.00 p.m."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!!"
THE SECOND AFFAIR
There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly
beautiful teenage daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son
they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally became
pregnant, and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The
joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look
and was horrified to see the! ugliest child he had ever seen.
He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be The father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time"!
THE THIRD AFFAIR
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up, and his pale lips began to move slightly. "Becky, my darling," he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice. "I have something that I must confess." "There isn't anything to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's alright, go to sleep." "No, no, I must die in peace, Becky. I... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know," whispered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you."
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