One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny said to his wife, "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!"
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of
underwear out of his drawer. "What the Hell is this??" he said to himself as
a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out. "April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
She replied with a snicker... "It's not talcum powder ... It's 'Miracle Grow.'"
__________________
Ed Gibson 2001 Black Z06 64 & 68 Corvette verts
1985 BMW K100 m/c
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a week-end gambling trip to Louisiana. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.
The Brunette team, down below, really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a Great time downstairs!"
One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and yelled "YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER !
It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.
Today Tom asked for salad again so I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.
Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly
this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would
even answer the phone, then, when he finally answered... he was
terribly rude to my simple question."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and
demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist told him,
"Now just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm
failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and
hurried out to the car, just to realize that I 'd ocked the house with
both house and car keys inside, and had to break a window to get my
keys."
"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tyre.
When I finally got to the store, a bunch of people were waiting for me
to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people,
and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of coins against the cash
register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I
had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up them up and the phone
was still ringing. When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash
drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of
perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."
"Meanwhile, the phone was still ringing with no let up, and I finally
got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a
rectal thermometer."
"And believe me, Mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."
I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court.
I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red,
orange, and blue.
The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the
old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he
sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything
wild in your life?"
The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had
s*x with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.
A wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the
Halloween party alone.
He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his
good time to be spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away
he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain
and as it was still early, decided go to the party.
As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would
have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in
his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every
nice 'chick' he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss
there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he
left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.
She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her
husband.
After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear
and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and made passionate
love in the back seat.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and
put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of
explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of
time he had. 'Oh, the same old thing You know I never have a good time
when you're not there.' Then she asked, 'Did you dance much?'
He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got
there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the
spare room and played poker all evening.' You must have looked really
silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!' she said with
unashamed sarcasm.
To which the husband replied, 'Actually, I gave my costume to your
brother, apparently he had the time of his life.
__________________
aldrichc5
02 MY Z06
04 4x4 Duramax
08 335I
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and
good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the
other?
A speech impediment.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage
along with... "a recipe".
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." and a southern
fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit
This happened recently just outside the little town of Spencer, West Virginia, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real. A guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a really dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm.
Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghost-like in the rain. It slowly crept toward him and stopped.
Wanting a ride really bad, the guy jumped in the car and closed the door, only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel. The car slowly started moving and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running.
The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and in t o the marsh and he would surely drown, when just before the curve, a hand appeared through the driver's window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.
Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town.
Wet and in shock, he went into a cafe and, voice quivering, ordered a cup of hot coffee, black, and then told everybody about his experience. A silence enveloped the cafe and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth and was not just some weirdo.
About half an hour later two guys walked into the cafe and one says to the other: "Look Bubba, there's that idiot who rode in our car when we were pushing it in the rain!
__________________ "It's never too late to realize what's important in your life."
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day,
only to be Confronted by a well dressed young man
carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the
young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of Your
time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in
high powered Vacuum cleaners."
"Go away," said the old lady. "I haven't got any money,
I'm broke!" As she proceeded to close the door, the
young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it
wide open. "Don't be too hasty," he said. "Not Until
you have at least seen my demonstration." And with
that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure on to her
hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of
this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will
personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope
you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut
off my electricity this morning. What part of broke
do you not understand?"
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a
girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no
passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl
with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was
too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she
was a drama queen, cried all the time and
threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl
with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she
was boring. She was totally predictable and never
got excited about anything. Life became so dull
that I decided that I needed a girl with some
excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I
couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never
settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things
and made me miserable as often as happy. She was
great fun initially and very energetic, but
directionless. So I decided to find a girl with
some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl
with her feet planted firmly on the ground and
married her.
She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took
everything I owned.
I am now older and wiser and looking for a girl
with big boobs.
Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort
sitting in my back yard. I often enjoy it all the more with a
vodka and cranberry sipped during a quiet conversation with
Jesus. This happened to me yesterday at the end of
a particularly difficult day.
I said 'Jesus, why do I work so hard?'
And I heard him reply : 'Men find many ways to demonstrate
the love they have for their family. In your case, you work
hard to have a peaceful, beautiful castle where you, your
friends and family can gather share the joy and the strength to
face that which has yet to come.'
I said: 'I thought that money was the root of all evil.'
His reply: 'No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil.
Money is a tool; it can be used for good; it can be used for bad'.
I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning
question, so I asked. 'Jesus,' I said, 'what is the meaning of
life? I mean just why am I here?'
He replied: 'That is a question many men ask. The answer is in
your heart. The answer must be your own, you cannot use
someone else’s answer. You will always find such an answer
unsatisfying. Now, I would love to chat with you some more,
One day Little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parents room to check it out.
He opened the door to see his mom bent over the dresser and dad going at it behind her. Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little wink as Johnny closed the door.
After business was finished Dad went to check on little Johnny. He opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the dresser and little Johnny going at it behind her. Dad yelled, "Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!"
Little Johnny replied, "It's not so funny when its your mom is it?!"
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked.
3. Let's get this straight; it's called a 'dirt road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
4. They are cattle. They're live steaks. That's why they smell funny to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? Rt. 50 goes east and west, I-79 goes north and south. Pick one.
5. Very few Mountaineers have $70,000 Z06's but we have $150,000 corn pickers and hay balers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
6. So every person in West Virginia waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
7. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and 3 does are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8. Yeah, we eat catfish & crawfish. You really want sushi &caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.
11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham &turkey.
12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup. Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!
13. You bring 'coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice.
14. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
15. College and High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.
16. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish.
17. Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities, Community Colleges, and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays.
18. We have a whole ton of folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.
19. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers. Refer back to #1.
20. 4 inches isn't a blizzard - it's a flurry. Drive like you got some sense in it, and DON'T take all our bread, milk, and bleach from the grocery stores. This ain't Alaska, worst case you may have to live a whole day without croissants. The pickups with snow blades will have you out the next day.
Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddy bikers who worked as Aircraft mechanics in Dallas, TX.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Bud says, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hootch and got completely smashed.
The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing. Then the phone rings. It's Jim.
Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"
Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Bud says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."
Jim says, "Yeah, well there's just one thing."
Bud asks, "What's that?"
Jim asks, "Have you farted yet?"
Bud says, "No."
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