#3 Humor Thread - post Humor In Here

[panzer]

Why athletes can't have real jobs...

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I
wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the
kids to copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when ask ed about the upcoming
season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes
first."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my
own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen o f the Raiders said:
"To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John
Jenkins:
"He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy
like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm
going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (now that
is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up
alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of
three, and then line up in a circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why
would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for
three years, not Princeton "

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he
keeps a color photo of himself above is locker: "That's so when I
forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes"

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime
of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six
o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."

11. Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining
to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My
sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an
uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in
January)

12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told
him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said,
'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what
he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me
like you're spending too much time on one subject."

14. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by
Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips
responded: "Because she is to ugly to kiss good-bye."

[panzer]

Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown , a tourist from the Midwest was enjoying the artistry of all the Chineseres taurants, shops, signs and banners when he turned a corner and saw a building with the sign "Moshe Plotnik's Laundry." "Moshe Plotnik?" he ondered. "How does that belong in Chinatown ?"

He walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking dry cleaner, although he could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the store name as there were baseball hats, T-shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo "Moshe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry."

The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back to his office. Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his purchase. The tourist asked, "Can you explain how this place got a name like 'Moshe Plotnik's Laundry?'

The old man answered, "Ah...Evleebody ask me that . It name of owner."

Looking around, the tourist asked, "Is he here?"

"It me," replies the old man.

"Really? You're Chinese. How did you ever get a name like Moshe Plotnik?"

"Is simple", said the old man. "Many, many year ago I come to this country. I standing in line at 'Documentation Center of Immigration.' Man in front of me was Jewish man from Poland . Lady at counter look at him and say, "What your name?" He say, "Moshe Plotnik."

Then she look at me and say, "What's your name?"

I say, "Sam Ting."

[chjw]

This one cracks me up. From a client today. A 2007 2008 bumper sticker:
I WISH HILLARY WOULD HAVE MARRIED OJ.

[panzer]

DARWIN AWARD: THE ENEMA WITHIN

Confirmed True by Darwin

21 May 2004, Texas | Michael was an alcoholic. And not an ordinary
alcoholic, but an alcoholic who liked to take his liquor... well,
rectally. His wife said he was "addicted to enemas" and often used
alcohol in this manner. The result was the same: inebriation.

The machine shop owner couldn't imbibe alcohol by mouth due to
a painful throat ailment, so he elected to receive his favorite
beverage via enema. And tonight, Michael was in for one hell of
a party. Two 1.5 litre bottles of sherry, more than 100 fluid
ounces, right up the old address!

When the rest of us have had enough, we either stop drinking or
pass out. When Michael had had enough (and subsequently passed out)
the alcohol remaining in his rectal cavity continued to be absorbed.
The next morning, Michael was dead.

The 58-year-old did a pretty good job of embalming himself.
According to toxicology reports, his blood alcohol level was 0.47%.

In order to qualify for a Darwin Award, a person must remove himself
from the gene pool via an "astounding misapplication of judgment."
Three litres of sherry up the butt can only be described as
astounding. Unsurprisingly, his neighbors said they were surprised
to learn of the incident.

References: 2007 Darwin Award: The Enema Within
--------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+
DARWIN AWARD: Elephants Press Back
Confirmed True by Darwin


2007, India | Increased mining and recent rains in southeast India
have unsettled the wildife. In the past months, migrating elephants
have killed eleven people in southeast India. A team of journalists
decided to interview this herd of rogue elephants.

The four reporters went into the forest in search of the rogues -- on
foot.

Elephants are big, and elephants are fast. As the recent deaths
illustrate, a person can't out-run an elephant. But these intrepid
journalists apparently assumed that a press pass grants immunity.

With a nose for news, the journalists sniffed out the herd. Once
located, it was only natural that they should capture the photogenic
animals on film. Unfortunately, the elephants were camera shy.
Angered by the flash, the irritated herd charged the paparazzi,
miraculously killing only one of the four.

His remains could not be retrieved.

--------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+
2007 PERSONAL ACCOUNT: BILLY THE KID
Unconfirmed by Darwin

Working in a suburban ER, my first patient of the evening was a
young man suffering fron a gunshot wound. His story? "I was at
a party and went outside to take a piss. Somebody did a drive-by
and shot me." I examined him and found a small-calber entry wound
at the anterior base of his penis, out the mid-shaft, in and out
his right testicle, and into his right thigh, where the bullet lodged.

A highly improbable trajectory for a drive-by.

I picked up his pants, which had been cut off and thrown aside.
Inside the waistband of his white jeans were unmistakeable powder
burns. I said to him "You had a gun down your pants!"

At first he denied it, but finally admitted to shooting himself
playing "quick-draw" with a friend. The reason for the attempted
deception? He was on parole for a weapons violation. The nature
of the injury effectively removed him fron the gene pool.



--------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+
DARWIN AWARD; MODERN ARMOR
Confirmed True by Darwin

August 2006, Leicester, England | Darren's death was a mystery.
The The 33-year-old was found slumped in the hallway of his house,
bleeding from stab wounds to his chest. Police initially assumed
that an assailant had attacked him, but they could find no supporting
evidence. A year later, the inquest revealed why Darren can stake
his claim to a place among the winners of the Darwin Award.

Darren had called a friend, but minutes after he hung up, rang back
to ask for an ambulance. The front door was ajar, and Darren was
found lying near a bloodstained lock-knife he had purchased whilst
on holiday in Spain. Forensics investigators saw no indication of a
struggle, and the coroner reported that the stab wounds seemed to be
self-inflicted. However, Darren had shown no suicidal tendencies.

His wife, who was on holiday at the time of the incident, cleared up
the mystery, and revealed why our subject will go down in history as
a Darwin Award winner. As she was leaving for the holiday, she
remembered Darren wondering whether his new jacket was 'stab-proof'.

That's right. Darren had decided to find out if his jacket could
withstand a knife attack. Did he choose to test his jacket while
it was draped over the back of a chair? No, our man decided that
the best approach would be to wear the garment and stab himself.
Sadly, his choice of armor proved less resistant to a sharp blade
than he had hoped.

The coroner reached a verdict of accidental death by 'misadventure'.
--------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+
DARWIN AWARD: ZAP!
Confirmed True by Darwin

2003, California | John, a Los Angeles real estate attorney, was
skimming leaves from his pool when he noticed a palm frond caught
i the power lines. His education had equipped him with sufficient
acumen to become a successful litigator. Yet he was not shrewd
enough to avoid becoming a toasty critter, when he reached up
with the long metal pole and poked at the palm frond.

John was, for once, the path of least resistance.

Perhaps as an homage to his litigation skills, his family sued
both the utility company and the pool supply store, for failure
to disclose the danger of poking a metal rod into the power lines.

[panzer]

ASTROLOGY
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........and one blonde says to the other:" Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says..........
"Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida.......?????

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor...

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science &Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HelOOOooo," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs."

[panzer]

Chez Ranger
For those of you who have suffered through C Rations and MREs - This story will have a great deal of meaning.
Yes it is true that some of the meals were marked "Not for preflight or in flight use"
This is the funniest thing I've read on email humor in years. I am still laughing about it.

Chez Ranger by Frank Rodgers
I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day before, the girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had before" for dinner.
After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I finally settled on something she has DEFINITELY never eaten.
I got out my trusty case of MRE's. Meal, Ready-to-Eat. Field rations that when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories. Here's what I made:
I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets, took out three of the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la-King, and eight packets of dehydrated butter noodles and some dehydrated/rehydrated rice. I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sauteed in shaved garlic and olive oil.
In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and rice together to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like succotash. I added some spices, and blended everything together in a glass pan that I then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at 450 degrees.
When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops, and a bed of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the MRE cheese (kinda like
velveeta) and added some green sprinkly thingys from one of my spice cans (hey, if it's got green sprinkly thingys on it, it looks fancy right?)
For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five packets of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I heated it up and stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous organism, and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it.
Voila--Ranger Pudding.
For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military Special Vodka (yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military Special"--it sells for
$4.35 per fifth) and mixed in four packets of "Electrolytes - 1 each - Cherry flavored" (I swear, the packet says that). It looked like an eerie kool-aid with sparkles in it (that was the electrolytes I guess... could've been leftover sand from Egypt).
I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set the table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy-series China (that shit is fucking EXPENSIVE... my set of 8 place settings cost me over $600), and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter.
She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner, saw the food, and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!!!"
We dug in, and she was loving the food. Throughout the meal, she kept asking me how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking that I obviously knew a thing or two about cooking fine meals. She kind of balked at the makeshift "wine" I had set out, but after she tried it I guess she liked it because she drank four glasses during dinner.
At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she squealed with delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate what? Okay...
yeah... it's Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make... yup.
Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my restroom. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to herself "uh oh"
and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her utterance of dismay.
Let the games begin.
She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air Freshener, 1 each, Orange scent. Yup. The Army even makes smellgood) and returned to the couch, this time with an obvious pained look.
After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to the bathroom for the second time. I could hear her say "What the hell is WRONG with me???," as she again send flatulent shockwaves into the porcelain bowl.
This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the toilet paper roll being employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener.
Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the chair instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up to her chest, kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without a word, she ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door, and didn't come out for 30 minutes.
I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing so hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks.
She came out with a slightly gray palor to her face, and said "I am SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so embarrassed, I can't believe I keep running to your bathroom!!" I gave her an Immodium AD, and she finally settled down and relaxed.
Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because she had enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and showed her all the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can.
After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of "Army food" she turned stark white, looked at me incredulously, and said "I ate 9,000 calories or dehydrated food that was made 3 years ago?" After I concurred, she grabbed her coat and keys, and took off without a word.
She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't shit for 3 days, and when she finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it from down the hall. She also told me she had been working out nonstop to combat the high caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to cook dinner for her again, unless she was PERSONALLY there to inspect the food beforehand.
It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually, and said that that was the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a date. She'd been so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom while I had been in tears on the couch.
I know, I'm an asshole, but it was still a funny night.

[panzer]

Christmas Carols

1. Schizophrenia - Do You Hear What I Hear, the
Voices, the Voices?

2. Amnesia - I Don't Remember If I'll be Home for
Christmas

3. Narcissistic - Hark the Herald Angels Sing about Me

4. Manic - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn
and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars
and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and ....

5. Multiple Personality Disorder - We Three Queens
Disoriented Are

6. Paranoid - Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Us

7. Borderline Personality Disorder - You Better Watch
Out, You Better not Shout, I'm Gonna Cry, and I'll not
Tell You Why

8. Full Personality Disorder -Thoughts of Roasting You
On an Open Fire

9. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells

10. Agoraphobia - I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day
But Wouldn't Leave My House

11. Senile Dementia - Walking In a Winter Wonderland
Miles from My House in My Slippers and Robe

12. Oppositional Defiant Disorder - I Saw Mommy
Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House

13. Social Anxiety Disorder - - - Have Yourself a
Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and
Hyperventilate

14. Attention Deficit Disorder - - We Wish You.....
Hey Look!! It's Snowing!!!!!

[aldrichc5]

I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of his car . . . and you know how you just get sooo stressed and life stuff seems to get funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . he was a DWARF! He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?"

. . . and that's when the fight started . . .

[aldrichc5]

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his widow."

[panzer]

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse orders a scotch, gulps it down and slams the glass on the bar. He turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it 20 times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The second mouse orders two shots of bourbon, slams them down and nearly breaks the glasses on the bar. He turns to the first mouse and replies, "Yeah, well, when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and screw the cat."

[panzer]

Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls 50 feet to the ground below and he is killed instantly.
After the coroner leaves with Steve''s body, Bob volunteers to inform Steve''s wife of the terrible news. Some two hours later, Bob returns to the work site with a six-pack of beer under his arms.

"Say, Bob, where did you get the six-pack?"

"Steve''s wife gave it to me!"

"What! You just told her that Steve died and she gave you a six-pack?"

"Well, before I broke the news to her, I asked her if she was Steve''s widow. And, she said she wasn''t, so I said I''d bet her a six-pack she was!"

[panzer]

Q: What did the blond customer say after reading the buxom waitress' name tag?
A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one?''

[panzer]

A woman sat on a plane heading for New York, when the pilot announces that because of difficulties with the plane's engines, he must make an emergency landing.

The woman, fearing that this may be the end of her life looks over to a man sitting next to her and rips her shirt and bra off, and throws herself on him. "Make me feel like a woman again!" she screamed.
So the man rips his shirt off and hands it to her. "Iron this."

[panzer]

There were four country churches in a small Texas town: The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church and the Catholic Church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

[aldrichc5]

Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.
"What's the matter ?" Jack asked.
"I've been transferred to New Orleans; there's crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate."
Jack replied, "I've lived in New Orleans all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."