As you may have heard the Bush Administration said each and every
one of us would now get a nice rebate. If we spend that money at
Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China. If we spend it on gasoline it
will all go to the Arabs, if we purchase a computer it will all go to
India, if we purchase fruit and vegetables it will all go to Mexico,
Honduras, and Guatemala, if we purchase a good car it will all go to
Japan, if we purchase useless crap it will all go to Taiwan and none of
it will help the American economy.
We need to keep that money here in America, so the only way to
keep that money here at home is to buy prostitutes and beer, since
those are the only businesses still in the US.
__________________
Ed Gibson 2001 Black Z06 64 & 68 Corvette verts
1985 BMW K100 m/c
With my Father inlaws birthday (80) coming up I thought this would bring a smile to some of us AARP guys...
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the
dealership.
Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind
blowing
through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-45, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights
flashing and siren
blaring.
He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am
I doing? <BR>I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's
arrival.
Pulling
in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his
watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you
can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you
go." The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with
a State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.
Mark.
__________________
2001 Torch Red, SCCA Solo ll Specs.
02 Audi Allroads 2.7TT RS4spec. 03 Range Rover
86 K100RS Carmra Moto. 05 R1200GS been to Alaska
Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?
Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland.
Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.
The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.
As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, 'Who is that man going into the barn?'
'That fellow traveling through,' said the farmer. 'needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn.'
The daughter said, 'Perhaps he is hungry.' So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.
About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.
The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.
When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. 'How could he leave without even saying good-bye,' she cried. 'We made such passionate love last night!'
'What?' shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.
The farmer screamed up at him, 'I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!'
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....
''LAIDTHEOLADEETOO''
__________________
aldrichc5
02 MY Z06
04 4x4 Duramax
08 335I
A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently
with two ice chests full of fish.
He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those
fish?"
"Naw, sir", replied the redneck. "I ain't got none of them there
licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?"
"Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em
swim 'round f or awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into
these here ice chests and I take 'em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that."
The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "It's the
truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works."
"O. K.", said the warden. "I've got to see this!"
The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the warden says, "Well?"
"Well, what?", says the redneck.
The warden says, "When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH", replied the warden!
"What fish?", replied the redneck.
Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we
ain't as dumb as some government employees.
You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone
retiring and moving north.
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's
deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a
lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education than any cop from Houston , Texas . He decides to prove this to himself and
have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.
The deputy says," License and registration, please."
"What for?" says the lawyer.
The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
"You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy.
License and registration, please."
The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
"The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law.
License and registration, please!" the Deputy says.
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down
and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you
give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the
ticket."
"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says.
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating
the ever-loving shit out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to
stop, or just slow down?"
Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night all three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.
After a few days they meet up for lunch.
The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.
The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.
The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'
A young cowboy from Wyoming went off to college, but half way through
the semester, he had foolishly squandered all his money.
He called home. 'Dad,' he said, 'You won't believe what modern education is developing! They
actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!'
'That's amazing,' his Dad replied. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that
program?' 'Just send him down here with $1,000' the young cowboy said.
'I'll get him in the course.'
So, his father sent the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds through the
semester, the money again ran out and the boy called home.
'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son,' his father asked.
'Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm,' he replied, 'but you just won't
believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach
the animals how to read!'
Read!' said his father, 'No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?'
'Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class.' The money promptly
arrived the next day.
But our hero had a problem.. At the end of the year, his father will
find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shot the dog.
When he arrived home at the end of the year, his father was all excited.
'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and
talk!'
'Dad,' the boy said shaking his head, 'I have some grim news Yesterday morning, just
before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked
back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually
does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'Is your daddy still messing
around with that little redhead who lives in town?'
The father exclaimed, 'I hope you shot that dog before he talks to your Mother!'
'I sure did, Dad!'
'That's my boy!'
The kid went on to become a successful lawyer
Bubba had been going to Arkansas for 11 years and just couldn't graduate.
One day, the dean of students calls Bubba in to his office and says, "Bubba,
we're going to give you the opportunity to graduate. In a month, at half time of the homecoming football game, We are going to bring you out on the field and ask you one question. If you get it right, you get your degree. If you get it wrong, you have to go home without it and not come back."
Bubba agreed to this and ran off to start studying. He studied night And
day for a month. Finally the day came. It was a special day With homecoming and Bubba's shindig. The whole stadium was packed with Arkansas students and alumni, all waiting to see how Bubba would do. The dean stepped up and said, "Bubba, are you ready for your Question?"
Bubba said he was.
The dean said, "Bubba, what is 3 X 3?"
Bubba thought about it for about ten minutes and then finally stepped up to
the microphone and said, "9?"
Before the dean could respond, thousands of the Arkansas students, Alumni
and faculty jumped up and yelled..............
Marriage made in heaven??
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.
People would s! ay, "Wh at a peaceful & loving couple"
The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon, explained the man, as We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took a trip down to the bottomof the ! canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off.
My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."
"We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again.
Again my wife quietly said, "That's twice."
We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time my wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
I shouted at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that, are you *%&#@$25&#@$> crazy !?"
She looked at ME, and quietly said, "That's once."
And from that moment..... We have livedhappily ever after."
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common word
The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3 . Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's winners:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10 Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n ): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their uncle, who had been
a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.
Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their
promise.
They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a
burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.
After a while Bubbles says, 'Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?'
Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee deep said,
'nope, not yet Bubbles'. So they row a little farther.
Again Bubbles asks Barbie, 'Do you think were out far enough now?
Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No, this
will never do, the water is only up to my chest.'
So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over the side and
disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles is really getting
worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface gasping for breath.
Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers!
What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women.
Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?
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