#3 Humor Thread - post Humor In Here

[Dr.Electron]

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying her flowers.

The redhead sighs and says: 'oh crap, my boy friend is buying me flowers again.'

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says: 'you don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?'

The redhead replies: 'i love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and i just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.'

The blonde says:..'don't you have a vase?'

[panzer]

A couple made a deal that whomever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.

Their biggest fear was that there was no after life.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.True to his word, he made the first contact, "Judy ..Judy...

"Is that you, Steve?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."

"Oh, Steve you surely must be in Heaven!"

"Not exactly ... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona."

[panzer]

Back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it.

They failed and it closed.

Now we are trusting the economy of our country to a pack of nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whorehouse and selling booze?

[ZO Fast]

[RDHGFH]

Good message!

[panzer]

My GRANDPA



The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.



The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.



The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'



I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'



The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'



Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'



The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'



Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.



The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.



Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.



The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.



'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'



The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.



Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.



The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.



But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.



'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.



'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.'

[panzer]

2008's First Christmas Joke
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked i t on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

[aldrichc5]

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME,
NOT RUN AROUND ON ME AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened
the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.
He had no arms or legs .

The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you are you?
Just look at you...you have no legs ..'

The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!' Again, the old man smiled,
'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
'Rang the doorbell, didn't I?'