#3 Humor Thread - post Humor In Here

[panzer]

Andy Rooney's Thought on Life.....

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.
I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time.
And then you die. What's that? A bonus?
I think the life cycle is all backwards.

You should die first and get it all over with.
Then you live in an old age home.
You get kicked out when you're too young.
You get a gold watch.
You go to work.
You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You do drugs. alcohol and party.
You get ready for high school.
You go to grade school and become a kid.
You play. You have no responsibilities.
You become a little baby and go back into the womb.
You spend your last nine months floating ......

Then, you finish off as an orgasm. I like it.

[IT L GO]

New Drink

Guy Walks Into A Bar, Sits Down, And Says, "bartender, Got Any Specials Today?"

"yes, As A Matter Of Fact We Have A New Drink Invented By A Gynecologist Patron Of Ours. It's A Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer And A Double Shot Of Smirnoff Vodka."

"what The Heck Do You Call That?"
"a Pabst Smir."

[panzer]

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls."I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up andcuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed 9 times.I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-wittedsolution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflictwith him. The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and Itold him "Midnight". He didn't seem irritated at all. Whew! Got away with that one!Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed threetimes, then said, "Oh shit.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat,cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then trippedover the coffee table and farted."

[panzer]

Good Dog

[panzer]

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you
quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
-Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

"Aim towards the Enemy."
-Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
-U.S. Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
-U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
-Infantry Journal

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
-U.S. Air Force Manual

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."
-Gen.Mac Arthur

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
-Infantry Journal

"You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
-U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

"Tracers work both ways."
-U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
-Infantry Journal

"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything."
-U. S Navy Swabbie

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
-David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
-Infantry Journal

"No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection."
-Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." -Anon

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
-Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
-Your Buddies

"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."
-U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

"Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity."
- Nick Diamos

[panzer]

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he
stepped out of the shower, "honey,
what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
_______________________
He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I have wanted to make
love to you really badly.
She said - Well, you succeeded.
______________________

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board
while I sit on the sofa and fart.
_______________________

He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror
______________________

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor

[panzer]

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their
40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to
them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she
would grant each of them a very special wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy

[panzer]

A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:
* She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
* Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
* Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
* Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
* And her husband is on the back of the milk carton

[panzer]

A PRAYER....

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.

AMEN

[panzer]

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to
me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"


"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of North Carolina."
And they say blondes are dumb...

[panzer]

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world"
The woman says, "I'll miss you..."

[IT L GO]

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentlemen neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much." The woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So, twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best. One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, "How did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous".

[IT L GO]

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool (hospital swimming pool?), Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is; Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself right after you saved him with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied "He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry. How soon did you say I can I go home?"

[aldrichc5]

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed. "You lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead."
"Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business, you gonna
have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos.
Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with
another man. "Whadda you gonna do then......pointa to you watch and a say, Times Up?"

[aldrichc5]

The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists, a university
graduate and an old aboriginal. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word
and come up with a poem that contained the word.
The word they were given was "TIMBUKTU". First to recite his poem was the university graduate.
He stepped to the microphone and said:
"Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu."
The crowd went crazy!
No way could the old aboriginal top that, they thought.
The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
"Me and Tim a-hunting went
Met three whores in a pop-up tent
They was three, and we was two
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu."