A lonely older lady, aged 75, decided it was
time to get married. She put a want ad in the
local paper that read:
"HUSBAND WANTED. Must be in my age group, must
not beat me, must not run around on me, and must
still be good in bed! All applicants must apply in person."
On the second day of the ad she heard the
doorbell ring. Much to Her dismay, when she
opened the door, there sat a man in a
wheelchair.He had no arms or legs. She asked
sardonically "You're not expecting me to consider
you, are you? Just look at you----you have no legs!"
The old man smiled, "Therefore no chance to
run around on you!"She snorted, "You have no arms either!"
Again the old man smiled. "Nor can I beat you!"
The old lady raised her eyebrows and gazed at him intensely.
"Are you still good in bed?" she asked.
The old man smirked and said, "I rang the
doorbell didn't I?"
__________________
aldrichc5
02 MY Z06
04 4x4 Duramax
08 335I
A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year." They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
"This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him." They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one." The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."
NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he should eventually make a full recovery.
A Wisconsin woodpecker and a California woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees.
The Wisconsin woodpecker said the Cheese Heads had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The California woodpecker accepted his challenge, and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Wisconsin woodpecker was in awe.
The California woodpecker then challenged the Wisconsin woodpecker to peck a tree in California that was absolutely un-peckable.
The Wisconsin woodpecker expressed confidence he could do it, so accepted the challenge.
After flying to California, the Wisconsin woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.
So the two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the California woodpecker was able to peck the Wisconsin tree and the Wisconsin woodpecker was able to peck the California tree, but neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?
After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion.........
Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.
The new Texas preacher was a dead ringer for Conway Twitty, the country music singer. One day he decided to visit some of the church members who hadn't been to service lately. He went to the first lady's house and knocked on the door. When she answered the door, she said, "Conway Twitty!" "No ma'am," he replied. "I'm your new pastor, and I came to have prayer with you." So she told him to come right on in. He visited several more homes, and everyone thought he was Conway Twitty. Then he came to a widow woman's house on the end of the street. She was taking a shower at the time, so she just wrapped a towel around her and opened the door. When she saw her caller, she threw up her hands - which allowed the towel to fall to the floor. "Oh my God!" she exclaimed. "It's Conway Twitty!" And the preacher said......."Hello, Darlin"
__________________
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
One sunny day in 2005, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry."
The Marine replied, "Sir, Mr. Kerry is not President and doesn't reside here."
The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.
The next day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry"
The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Kerry is not President and doesn't reside here."
The man thanked him and again walked away.
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry."
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Kerry. I've told you already that Mr. Kerry is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"
The old man answered, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow."
__________________
Ed Gibson 2001 Black Z06 64 & 68 Corvette verts
2005 Mustang Coupe 1985 BMW K100 m/c
At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Chemistry and all of them had an "A" so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party.
They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it.
They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.
The Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy..... then they turned the page.
On the second page was written: For 95 points: Which tire?
WASHINGTON, DC (AP) - Congress approved sweeping legislation, which provides
new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act
(AWNAA), signed into law by President John Kerry shortly after its passage,
is being hailed as a major victory by advocates of the millions of Americans
who lack any real skills or ambition.
"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive
necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said
Kerry, a longtime AWNA supporter.
"This is why many of them voted for me. We can no longer stand by and allow
People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation,
employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of
workers, simply because they do a better job, or have some idea of what they
are doing", said Kerry.
President Kerry pointed to the success of the US Postal Service, which has a
long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance...
Approximately 80 percent of postal employees lack job skills, making this
agency the single largest US employer of Persons of Inability.
Private sector industries with good records of nondiscrimination against the
Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%),and home
improvement "warehouse" stores (65%)
President Kerry has also set an example, personally selecting hundreds of
Nonabled people for top government positions, including many cabinet-level
jobs.
Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million "middle man"
positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real
responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance...
Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given, to
guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The
legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations which maintain a
significant level of Persons of Inability in top positions, and gives a tax
credit to small and medium businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker
for every two talented hires.
Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to
discriminate against the Nonabled, banning discriminatory interview
questions such as "Do you have any goals for the future?" or "Do you have
any skills or experience which relate to this job?" and "Are you awake?"
"As a Nonabled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have
something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a
lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, MI due to her lack of notable job
skills.
"This new law should really help people like me."
With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented
citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Said Kerry, "It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American
citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take
up in this great nation."
__________________
"The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to
escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane."
Marcus Aurelius
In response to the Federal No Child Left Behind Act....
Reacting to Federal Guidelines, the state of Massachusetts, which has been highlighted as a role model for student testing by the two US Senators from this state, released the following memo:
In response to the Federal No Child Left Behind Act, students will have to pass a test to be promoted to the next grade level. In hopes that it will be uniformly adopted by all the states, thus illuminating Massachusetts to a glorious front-runner position in education, it will be called the Federal Arithmetic and Reading Test, or FART. All students who cannot pass a FART in the second grade will be retested in grades 3-5 until such a time as they are capable of achieving a FART score of 80%. If a student does not successfully FART by grade 5, that student shall be placed in a separate English program, the Special Massachusetts Elective for Language Learning, or SMELL. If with this increased SMELL program the student still cannot pass the required FART, he or she can still graduate to middle school by taking a one-semester course in Comprehensive Reading and Arithmetic Preparation, or CRAP. If by age fourteen the student still cannot FART, SMELL, or CRAP, he or she can earn a promotion by way of an intensive one-week seminar. This seminar is the Preparatory Reading for Unprepared Nationally Exempted Students, or PRUNES. It is the opinion of the Massachusetts Department of Public Instruction that an intensive week of PRUNES will enable any student to FART, SMELL, or CRAP.
US Senators John Kerry and Ted Kennedy stated that this revised provision of the student testing program should help clear the air.
Dog's Letters to God
Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell
one another?
Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it going
to be the same old story?
Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the
mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a
dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice
ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler
Beagle'?
Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears
him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals,
whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy
fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God:
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God: When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?
Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog:
1. I will not eat the cats' food.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
3. The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
4. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
5. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
6. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.
7. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
8. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying 'hello.'
9. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
10. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
11. I will not throw up in the car.
12. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
13. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.
And, finally my last question :
Dear God: When I get to Heaven, may I have my testicles back?
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
Here's a heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers.
This will make you believe that we can make
A difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew came in and began building a house on the empty lot.
The family's 5-year-old daughter became interested in all the
activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually, the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they took coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, the men presented her with a pay envelope which contained $2.00. The little girl took this home to her mother, who said all the appropriate words of admiration, and suggested that they take the money she received to the bank to start a savings account.
When they talked to the bank teller, she was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had earned her very own pay check at such a young age.
The child proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew
building the house next door to us."
My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will if those a**holes at Home Depot
Ever deliver the f**kin' sheet rock."
A teacher in a small Vermont town asks her class how many of them are
John Kerry fans. Not really knowing what a John Kerry fan is, but
wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands
except one boy. The teacher asks Little Johnny, who had not raised his
hand, why he has decided to be different.
Johnny says, "I'm not a John Kerry fan."
The teacher says, "Why aren't you a John Kerry fan?"
Johnny says, "I'm a George Bush fan."
The teacher asks why he's a George Bush fan.
The boy says, "Well, my mom's a George Bush fan and my dad's a George
Bush fan, so I'm a George Bush fan!"
The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Vermont and she is a
liberal, so she asks, "What if your mom was a moron and your dad was
an idiot, what would that make you?"
Johnny says, "That would make me a John Kerry fan."
__________________
Electron Blue/Black '02 Z06 "DRIVE IT LIKE YOU STOLE IT!!"
Vortech V-2 SQ T-Trim Aftercooled Supercharger, AFR 205's, Custom Grind "Blower" Cam, SPEC Clutch, Fidanza Aluminum Flywheel, Hardened Output Shaft, 3:73 Rear Gears And A Bunch Of Other Cool Junk...
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen, lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?
Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now....what is the moral to this story?
The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly.
The Fla., Louisiana and Mississippi State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers,hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in parishes and counties They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as "little bells" on their clothing to alert, but not startle the alligators, unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of "pepper spray" in case of an encounter with an alligator. It's also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity and be able to recognize the difference between young alligator and adult alligator droppings. Young alligator droppings are small, contain fish, bones and possibly bird feathers. Adult alligators droppings have.................... little bells in them and smell like pepper.
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