This really does not fit in the joke thread in this forum so I am giving it its own thread. Enjoy
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Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative? SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe was came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! 'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'
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Ed Gibson 2001 Black Z06 64 & 68 Corvette verts
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2KC5 FRC MN6, Bad Head & Cam install, Failed Lifter, Burnt Clutch, Cracked Rotors, Bad Tune, Blown Piston, Blown Head Gasket, and faulty rockers.....but I still come back for more.....Installed/Tuned by LG Motorsports. Best 1/4 Trap: 11.94 Best Top Speed 121.10 on street tires at 1200 Ft ASL.[/center]
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i saw the title and thought "this is the post for me" as i do stupid stuff, but even i know what happens when you electrocute yourself. YOUR MUSCLES TENSE UP AND YOU DON'T LET GO isn't that common sense? i sure thought it was, saw the end result of this one coming from a long way off. would have loved to have seen this on tape.
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forgive my ?'s i'm an information leech so to speak. i like to know as much about a subject as i can when going into something new. (except for the 5 years i spent at college)
i saw the title and thought "this is the post for me" as i do stupid stuff, but even i know what happens when you electrocute yourself. YOUR MUSCLES TENSE UP AND YOU DON'T LET GO isn't that common sense? i sure thought it was, saw the end result of this one coming from a long way off. would have loved to have seen this on tape.
maybe we can get him to do it again? That, or someone will not believe it and try it themself.... Any takers stupid enough? Hahahahahahaha
That was one of the funniest stories I've read in some time!! I almost pissed myself!!!! I just bought a taser at the gun show and the thought of hitting myself with it is insane. My dogs run for the hills when I snap it!! That was funny!!!
I havent laughed so hard in quite a while. I could visualize doing exactly what you said. It took me 10 minutes to read the last three paragraphs. I will read a sentence and crack up laughing to the extend of loosing my breath. Then compose my self and read the next sentence and go back to the same laugh response. Thank you for sharing your experience.
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"I've always followed my father's advice: he told me, first to always keep my word and, second, to never insult anybody unintentionally. If I insult you, you can be goddamn sure I intend to." -John Wayne
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Re: Adventures in Being Stupid :D
Quote:
Originally Posted by GR8 WHITE
maybe we can get him to do it again? That, or someone will not believe it and try it themself.... Any takers stupid enough? Hahahahahahaha
<-----raises hand.
Actually, just outa high school, a friend of mine had a baton thingy. Asked him what it was. He presses a button and you see and hear the arcing--SNAP-SNAP-SNAP! "It's a cattle prod" Thing uses, like, 6 D-cells... ..uh-oh!
Tells me to touch it to my toe and just tap the button, "it won't hurt". Yeah, sure, it looks like it would KILL! "Honest, it's not bad." (Anybody got a bridge they wanna sell me?) OK, so here I go, touch it to my big toe and give the button a quick, and I MEAN quick, tap.
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! I was jumping outa my skin, up and down the driveway, flashes of light appearing in front of my eyes!!! Lucky we hadn't started on the beers or I woulda fer sure wet myself! Did I say, YIKES!
Well, that would be putting it nicely...
...so there ya go, Glenn. Hope that answers your question.
...and c'mon, ED, you really wrote that from experience, didn't 'cha?
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Actually, just outa high school, a friend of mine had a baton thingy. Asked him what it was. He presses a button and you see and hear the arcing--SNAP-SNAP-SNAP! "It's a cattle prod" Thing uses, like, 6 D-cells... ..uh-oh!
Tells me to touch it to my toe and just tap the button, "it won't hurt". Yeah, sure, it looks like it would KILL! "Honest, it's not bad." (Anybody got a bridge they wanna sell me?) OK, so here I go, touch it to my big toe and give the button a quick, and I MEAN quick, tap.
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! I was jumping outa my skin, up and down the driveway, flashes of light appearing in front of my eyes!!! Lucky we hadn't started on the beers or I woulda fer sure wet myself! Did I say, YIKES!
Well, that would be putting it nicely...
...so there ya go, Glenn. Hope that answers your question.
...and c'mon, ED, you really wrote that from experience, didn't 'cha?
Hey buddy, will you do it again for us???? Come on!!!! Take one for the team!!!!!
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