I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one.
You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're definitely
going to shit yourself" chili.
Tasty stuff, a bit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day
both of your cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing.
I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened.
No "Watson's Movement 2".
Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning
symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.
Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often
haunt in search of tasty tidbits.
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal.
I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.
It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about.
I'm referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go" pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.
The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.
In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one
step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded.
I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned
into it.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she
walked into it unsuspecting.
Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor woman but didn't.
I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand
there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees.
This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.
Here's the thing.
When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped down", if you know what I mean.
With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region.
Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny.
IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.
Luck was on my side.
Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the
inevitable "Oh my God", floating above the toilet seat because my *** is
burning SO BAD, purging.
One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of "Shock and Awe".
He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, "Sonofabitch!", then quickly left.
Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes.
It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store.
The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.
"
That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me.
The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU!", then ran off returning moments later with the manager.
I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.
Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls.
The next day I went to shop at Albertson's.
I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.
Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.
Damn ... you're right, Cameo!
I'm reading this, and I feel laugh pressure building up ... I continue reading ... trying to hold it in ... and the pressure continues and I just EXPLODE in uncontrollable yukking !
But now I feel better!
__________________
^VIR Turn 3 '08^-MungoZ06-'03 QS/ModRed - NCCC, NASA NCM Member - Z06 Fest IV,V,VI,VII
That is the funniest thing I have read in a long time. I was wiping tears from eye's by the time I was half way through you're post, it was very well written. Thank you for the laugh.
That was good. Poor old lady in the spice aisle...... Hahahahaha......
My buddy did something similiar at the gym just about 5 years ago. He blasted so bad that his stink escaped the bathroom (one of 3 mind you) and infiltrated the hallways. Since he said "I am going to get a drink of water" and never returned, I went looking for him (as he was often a socializer.....) When I stepped down from the work out area into the hall, this unbelievable FUNK slapped me in the face and because he was no where in sight, I immediately yelled his name "Allan!" I heard his cry from the THIRD bathroom, furthest away from the work out room and I excalimed "Your stinking up the whole damn gym!!!" Hahahahaha
It was gross, but there, an invisible cloud of noxious fumes engulfed all those unsuspecting self-conscious gym-goers. And yes, it was funny to see their reactions as they walked into this invisible wall of ass.
When my buddy got out, he had this little boy smirk/grin like..."It wasn't me" Hahahahahaha And there we literally about 6 - 8 people waiting to see the man responsible for polluting the gym. He was so embarrassed.
__________________
2KC5 FRC MN6, Bad Head & Cam install, Failed Lifter, Burnt Clutch, Cracked Rotors, Bad Tune, Blown Piston, Blown Head Gasket, and faulty rockers.....but I still come back for more.....Installed/Tuned by LG Motorsports. Best 1/4 Trap: 11.94 Best Top Speed 121.10 on street tires at 1200 Ft ASL.[/center]
Normie...what would the wifey think? 
Linear Mode
