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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
It was requested of me at Z06Fest this year that I break up this thread because the old one was getting so big (47 pages!!!!)

Thanks for the kind words of those who thanked me at Z06FEST and we will keep the nyuk nyuks coming. Thanks to all the tthe others who have posted in this thread so people can find these gems. If you are not a frequent reader you may want to see if anyone has posted the same joke before you do. You don't have to look through 47+ pages but just look back a few days. Humor that you get in email tends to travel quickly and may have benn posted already. Let the humor begin
:lol: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
 

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Some Classic Commentary Cock-ups

These were all broadcast on UK TV or radio and relate to various sporting and other events.

General

Michael Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1’s eclipse coverage remarked:
They seem cold out there, they’re rubbing each other and he’s come in his shorts.

Here is Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning:
She was practicing fastest finger first by herself in bed last night.

Steve Leonard, talking about vegetation on Vets in the Wild, told Trude (a glamorous, but air-headed Norwegian student veterinary):
There’s something big growing between my legs.

Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said:
You’d eat beaver if you could get it.

Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
There’s nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.

Golf

Here is Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nock Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining up putts at the Scottish Open:
Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69.

During the 1989 British Masters golf tournament, commentator Peter Aliss observed:
Notices are appearing at courses telling golfers not to lick their balls on the green.

Snooker

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis’s misses every chance he gets.
 

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During a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man, wearing an Aqua & Orange 'Dolphin's' jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.



As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing Buffalo Bill's jerseys. One quickly fired a harpoon into the sharks' side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Dolphin fan from the water. Then using long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it, too, into the boat.



Immediately, the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach.



"I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he said. "I have been told about there being bad blood between Bill's and Dolphin's but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."



As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies "Who was that?"



"It was the Pope", one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."



"Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know jack about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up O.K., or do we need to get another one?"
 

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Classic Military Warnings

And we didn't think military guys were smart...

"Aim towards the Enemy." -Instruction printed on U.S. Army Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. - U.S.M.C. Training Bulletin

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." -U.S.A.F. literature

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantryman's Journal

"A slipping trigger gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." Army's Magazine of Preventive Maintenance.

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." -U.S. Air Force Manual

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." -Infantryman's Journal

"Tracers work both ways." -U.S. Army Ordnance Manual

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." -Infantryman's Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." -David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." -Infantryman's Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."

"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." -Anon Naval brass

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." -Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." -Your Buddies

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." Unknown.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
jub jub said:
Thanks for all the humor you've posted over the months. It's nice to read some of those jokes when I'm feeling blue.

BTW, nice meeting you at the fest.

:cheers:
It was nice meeting you and Mrs. Jub Jub, say hey to the Baroness from panzer.:D
 

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Discussion Starter #8


Mark Dickie uses it!!:lol: :lol: :lol:
 

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After having their 11th child, a North Georgia
Mountain couple decided that 11 was enough, as
they could not afford a larger bed. So the
husband went to his veterinarian and told him
that he and his cousin didn't want to have any
more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure
called a vasectomy that could fix the problem
but that it was expensive. A less costly
alternative, said the doctor, was to go home,
get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in the
North Georgia Mountains), light it, put it in
an empty beer can, then hold the can up to his
ear and count to 10. The redneck said to the
doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in
the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry
bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to
help me."
"Trust me, " said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and
put it in a beer can. He held the can up to
his ear and began to count:

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"..........


At which point he paused, placed the beer can
between his legs and resumed counting on his
other hand.

This procedure also works in Kentucky,
Mississippi, West Virginia, Arkansas and
parts of Missouri.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil
shortage here in the USA.
Well, there's a very simple answer:

Nobody bothered to check the oil.


We just didn't know that we were getting low.

The reason for this is purely geographical...... All the oil is in
California, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, Wyoming, New Mexico, Alaska,
etc.

All the dipsticks are in Washington, DC


(Trust me I work there:-? )
 

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um guys, why dont we just make a HUMOR SECTION instead of a thread ?
 

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Discussion Starter #13
z06_Jackal said:
um guys, why dont we just make a HUMOR SECTION instead of a thread ?
We used to have nothing. This is the compromise that best fit the requirements.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
UNCLASSIFIED


Wife: "George, it's about time that you learned to play golf. That's the game where you chase a ball all over the countryside when you are too old to chase women."
So, George went to see Jones and asked him if he could teach him how to play golf. Here George tells us what he learned about golf.....

Jones said, you've got balls, haven't you? I said, yes
but sometimes on a cold morning they're kinda hard to
find.

Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow, he said, and
we'll tee off.

What's tee off? I asked.

He said it's a golf term and we have to tee off in
front of the clubhouse.

Not for me, I said, you can tee off there if you like
but I'll tee off behind the barn somewhere.

No, no, he said, a tee is a little thing about the
size of your pinky finger.

Yeah, I've got one of those, I said.

Well, he said, you stick it in the ground and put your
balls on top of it.

I asked, how do play golf sitting down? I always
thought you stood up and walked around.

You do, said Jones; you are standing when your ball is
on the tee.

Well folks, I thought that was stretching a little
thing too far, and I said so.

He said, you got a bag, haven't you?

Of course, I said.

Jones said, your balls are in it, aren't they?

Of course, I said.

Well, can't you open your bag and take one out?

I said, I suppose I could, but damned if I was going
to.

He asked if I didn't have a zipper on the bag but I
told him no, I am the old fashioned type.

Then he asks me if I know how to hold my club. Well,
after 50 years, I should have some sort of idea, and I
told him so.

He said take your club in both hands - Folks, I knew
right then he didn't know what he was talking about.

Then he said, you swing it over your shoulders. I
said, that's not me, that's my brother you're talking
about.

He asked me how do you hold your club?

I said, in two fingers.

He said, that wasn't right and got behind me, put both arms around me and
told me to bend over and he would show me how.

He couldn't catch me there, because I didn't put in three years in the
Navy for nothing.

He said, you hit the ball with your club and it will
soar and soar.

I said, I could well imagine.

Then he said, when you are on the green -

What's a green? I asked.

That's where the hole is, he said.

Sure. You're not color blind? I asked.

No, he said, then you take your putter.

What's a putter? I asked.

That's the smallest club made, he said.

That's what I've got - a putter, I said.

With it, he said, you put your ball in the hole.

I corrected, you mean the putter.

He said, the hole isn't big enough for the
ball and the putter.

Well, I've seen holes big enough for a horse and wagon.

Then he said, after you make the first hole, you go on
to the next seventeen.

He wasn't talking to me. After two holes I'm shot to hell.

You mean, he said, you can't make eighteen holes in
one day?

Hell no, I make one hole in eighteen days, besides how
do I know I'm in the 18th hole?

He said, the flag will go up.

That would be just my luck.

Happy golfing!
 

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A Blonde, a Redhead and a Brunette are having lunch and all three are pregnant.
The redhead says "I'm having a boy" because I conceived while my husband was on top.
The brunette says "I'm having a girl" because I conceived while I was on top.
The blonde women starts to cry, the redhead and the brunette ask what is wrong, and she says I'm having puppies.
 

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An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed.
"Grandson, I wanna you lisina to me. I wanna for you to taka my
chrome-plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead."

"You lisina to me. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambino.
Somma day you gonn coma home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.

"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say,"TIMES UP ???"
 

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The following scouting report is making the rounds of Division I football
coaches:

****************

Wayfron P. Jackson: 6' 6", 215 lbs. Wide Receiver. Hottest prospect from Texas in the last ten years. Loves rap music. Will demand a mini cassette in his helmet. Currently holds world record for the most "you knows" during an interview (62 in one minute). Wayfron can print his complete name.

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Cletis Quinticious Jenkins: 6' 3", 220 lbs. Running Back. Set state scoring record out of Triton High School, Dunn, N.C. Also led the state in burglaries, but has only 9 convictions. He has been clocked at 4.2 seconds in the 40 yard dash with a 19" TV under each arm.

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Roosevelt "Dude" Dansell: 6' 1", 195 lbs. Running Back. From Tyler, Texas. Has processed hair and imitates Billy Dee Williams very well. Before he signed his letter of intent, he wanted the school to change colors to chartreuse and pink. Listed his church preference as "red brick."

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Woodrow Lee Washington: 6' 8", 310 lbs. Tackle. >From a 4th generation welfare family. At 19 he's the oldest of 21 children. Mother claims Woodrow and child number 9 have same father. He has a manslaughter trial pending but feels he will be found innocent because: "The dude said something bad 'bout my Momma." On his entrance form, he listed his I.Q. as 20-20.

***************

Willie "Night Train" Smith: 6'4", 225 lbs. Quarterback. Born on an Amtrak train. Birth certificate indicates he is 27 years old. Thinks the "N" on Nebraska's helmets stands for "Nowledge," but still meets this school's stringent entrance requirements. Insists on wearing the number 32 jersey since it matches his score on his College Entrance Exam.

****************

Tyrone "Python" Peoples: 6'10", 228 lbs. Wide Receiver. Has a pending paternity suit and two rape trials, but hopes none of his other 9 victims will file charges. Tyrone had already signed letters of intent with six other colleges but was also willing to sign with us. Likes wild women and red Cadillacs. Thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican Telephone Company.

****************

Abdul Hasheen Abba Ali: 6'10", 305 lbs. Guard. Played high school ball under the name Sylvester LeRoy Jones until he discovered religion. Abdul thinks Sherlock Holmes is a housing project in Jacksonville... Doesn't know the meaning of the word "fear." (Doesn't know the meaning of many other words, either.)

****************

Note: College track coaches intend to use several of the above signees in their track programs. However, instead of using a starting gun at track meets,the NCAA has now agreed to use a burglar alarm....this, they hope, will keep the runners alert.
 

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"Age and Experience are more important than Youth and Skill"

Two bulls, one young and one old was standing on a high hill, looking down into the distant valley.

The young bull looks down into the valley and notices a bunch of young heifers, he turns to the older bull and says; come on dad! Lets run down to those heifers and mount one each!

The older bull replies; No my son, lets walk slowly down to them and mount them all!
 

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I've always liked the olds cutass

Enjoy
 
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