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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Here we go with thread #3 :thumb:




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From a lost chapter in the Book of Genesis: Where Dogs Come From . . .
Adam was walking in the garden and cried out to God, "You used to walk with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonely here, and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself." And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam.

And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him.

And Adam was comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."

And the Lord said, "I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam.

And Cat would not obey Adam.

And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being.

And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased.

And Adam was greatly improved.

And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.
 

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Replies by Computer Programmers When Their Programs Don't Work

"What did you type in wrong that made it crash?"

"It must be a hardware problem."

"Are you sure you don't have a virus in your system?"

"You can't use THAT version on YOUR system."

"It's just a coincidence."

"There is something wrong with your data."

"That's weird."
 

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The Deacon and the Preacher

There once was this deacon and this preacher, and they had been friends for a long time. One day the deacon got sick and was put in the hospital, so the preacher decided to go and see his old friend.
When he walked into the hospital room, the preacher noticed all the hoses and medical equipment attached to the deacon. The preacher walked over and kneeled by the bed and asked, ''How ya doing?''

The deacon motioned at a pad and pen on the nightstand. ''You want that?'' the preacher asked him, and the deacon nodded his head yes. So the preacher handed his friend the pad and pen and the deacon began to write. All of a sudden the deacon died.

At his funeral, the preacher was asked to deliver the service. ''He was a good man and I'll never forget him,'' the preacher said, ''I was with him when he died and as a matter of fact I have his last thought in my coat pocket here.''

The preacher reaches into his pocket and pulls out the paper. ''Please, get up! You're kneeling on my oxygen hose!''
 

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Elementary, My Dear Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
 

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Egg Donor

One day, while Sue was cleaning under the bed, she found a small box. Curious, she opened it and found 3 eggs and 10,000 dollars. A little bit suspicious, she confronted her husband of twenty years about it.
"Oh, that," Frank said. "Every time I cheated on you, I put an egg in this box." Sue was a bit unhappy about this, but figured that 3 affairs over twenty years wasn't so bad.

"But what about the 10,000 dollars?"

"Every time I got a dozen, I sold them."
 

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Wed 8/4/2004 12:30 - Breaking News: Attorney says it's 'up in the air' whether Kobe Bryant accuser will continue to pursue case.

Do you know why there's a difference between the Kobe Bryant case and OJ?
Because there's a difference between getting a little and getting away with murder!
 

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Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.








Lady 1: What's that?

Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Lady 1: Where did you get it?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

"Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.
 

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30 Years difference

1974: Long hair
2004: Longing for hair



1974: KEG
2004: EKG


1974: Acid rock
2004: Acid reflux


1974: Moving to California because it's cool
2004: Moving to California because it's warm


1974: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2004: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor


1974: Hoping for a BMW
2004: Hoping for a BM


1974: The Grateful Dead
2004: Dr. Kevorkian


1974: Going to a new, hip joint
2004: Receiving a new hip joint


1974: Rolling Stones
2004: Kidney Stones


1974: Being called into to the principal's office
2004: Calling the principal's office



1974: Disco
2004: Costco



1974: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2004: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1974: Passing the drivers' test
2004: Passing the vision test




Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at BeloitCollege in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:







The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1985. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.


Their lifetime has always included AIDS.


Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.


The CD was introduced the year they were born.


They have always had an answering machine.


They have always had cable.


They cannot fathom not having a remote control.


Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.


Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.


They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.


They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.


They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.


They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel" or "de plane Boss, de plane."



They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.



McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.


They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
 

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Pinocchio and Splinters

One day Pinocchio came to Gepetto with a problem.
"Every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters. What can I do about this?"

"Have you tried sandpaper?" Pinocchio hadn't, so he went to try it.

"Pinnochio," said Gepetto a few weeks later. "How is the problem work out with your

"Girlfriend?" said Pinnochio. "Who needs a girlfriend when you have sandpaper?"
 

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Three Guys With Dumb Wives


Three guys are sitting in a bar when the first guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries an automatic garage door opener in her car and she doesn't have an automatic garage door."

The second guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she has a cellular phone antenna on her car and she doesn't even have a cellular phone."

The third guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries a purse full of rubbers and she doesn't even have a dick."
 

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Hooligan Hijinx

A big hulking hooligan walks into a bar, slams his fist down, and yells "Give me a Budweiser, or...!"
Scared, the bartender serves the man his Budweiser. This happens everyday for a week straight, and the bartender turns into a nervous wreck. He asks his wife for advice, and she tells him he should stand up for himself. Easier said than done, he thinks, but he decides to try it. The next day, the hooligan returns.
"Give me a Budweiser, or...!"
"O-o-o-o-r-r-r w-what?" stammers the bartender.
"A small Coke."
 

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Good Can of Corn

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks. After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained
"Yes, no problem!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then he asks the middle aged couple the same question

"Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.

"We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me!"

"I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"

"That's O.K.," says the husband, "we were banned from the supermarket, too."
 

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I Like Your Thinking

A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'' She calls on little Johnny.
''None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.''

The teacher replies, ''The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'' Then Little Johnny says, ''I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?''

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ''Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.''

''The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like your thinking.''
 

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Alabama Farmer

What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.
 

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Q: What has 132 legs and 8 teeth?




A: The front row of a Garth Brooks concert!
 

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60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?
 

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A Blonde's Brain At Work

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."
 

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A Letter From A Redneck Mother To Her Son


Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

Love, Ma
 

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According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us

who were kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's, or even maybe the early 70's probably shouldn't have survived.



Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint.


We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets,

and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets.

(Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.)


As children, we would ride in cars with no seatbelts or air bags.


Riding in the back of a Ute or truck on a warm day was always a special treat.


We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.



Horrors!



We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.


We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.


We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.


We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on.


No one was able to reach us all day. WE HAD NO MOBILE PHONES!!!!!

Unthinkable!



We did not have Play stations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms.


We had friends! We went outside and found them.

We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no

lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame but us. Remember accidents?


We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.


We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms, and although we were told it would happen, we did not poke out any eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever.


We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them.


Footy and netball clubs had tryouts and not everyone made the team.

Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.


Some students weren't as smart as others, so they failed a grade and were

held back to repeat the same grade. Tests were not adjusted for any reason.


Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected.


The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of.

They actually sided with the law. Imagine that!


Our generation produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever.


The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.


We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.


And you're one of them! Congratulations!
 

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New Fangled Dictionary


Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer, dude!

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
 
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