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Devil in the Church
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Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.

Soon everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly.

Satan walked up to him and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
 

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Devil in the Church
Previous
Next

Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.

Soon everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly.

Satan walked up to him and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
:lol:
 

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How the internet started (according to the Bible)

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder, and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.

And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known.

He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO", said Abraham.

And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

And there you have it - That is how it all began.
 

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Discussion Starter #1,364
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.



Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.



Soon the church was empty except for Bill Clinton who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.



So Satan walked up to Bill and said, 'Do you know who I am?'



The Clinton replied, 'Yep, sure do.'



'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.



'Nope, sure ain't.' said the calm as a clam Clinton.



'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.



'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned Bill, in an even tone.



'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity? persisted Satan.



'Yep, 'was the calm reply.



'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.



'Nope,' said Bill.



More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'



Bill Clinton calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for over 30 years.'
 

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After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
 

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Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?", asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No, sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels. "We're on the patch."
 

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Discussion Starter #1,367
A man get stopped by a game warden with his basket full of fish.

Warden: do you have a permit for all these fish?
Man: no sir. These are all my pet fish.
Warden: your pet fish? How's that?
Man: well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about half hour and then I whistle and they all come back and jump in my basket and we go home. We do this every night.
Warden: Well that's just a crock of lies!!
Man: here I'll show you... (Releases the fish in the lake)
Warden: well this I got to see!!
5 minutes later...
Warden: well??
Man: what?
Warden: the fish!! Where's your pet fish??
Man: what fish??
 

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In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same fucking elephant.

This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bullshit stories.
 

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A Montana Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

"Fred," he replies.

"Fred what?" the officer asks.

"Just Fred," the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.

The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson, from Missoula, Montana. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.

"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

"Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

"Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my 'Johnson', so now, I'm, Just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.....
 

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I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.



When chemists die, they barium.



Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.



A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.



I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.



How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.



I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.



This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.



I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.



I did a theatrical performance about puns . It was a play on words.



They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type- O.



This dyslexic man walks into a bra.



PMS jokes aren't funny, period.



Why were the Indians here first? It's because they had reservations.



Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.



Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.



I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.



How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!



Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?



When you get a bladder infection, urine real trouble.



What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.



I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!



Broken pencils are pointless.



What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.



England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .



I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.



I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.



The toilets in all of New York 's police stations have turned up missing. Police have nothing to go on.



I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.



Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.



Velcro - what a rip off!



Draftsman found dead in home. Details are sketchy.



Venison for dinner? Oh deer!



Earthquake in Washington D.C. is obviously the government's fault.



I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.



Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
 

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How do you settle a presidential election when the vote is too close to call?
...............................With an ice fishing contest, of course!...............................

After the first round of votes were counted, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump were deadlocked. Instead of going through a recount, the two agreed to a week-long ice fishing contest to settle the election. Whoever caught the most fish at the end of the week would be the President.
The candidates decided a remote frozen lake in northern Wisconsin would be the ideal place. No observers on the fishing grounds, but both candidates would need to have their catches verified and counted each night at 5pm.
After Day 1, Trump returned with a total of 10 fish, Hillary came back with nothing.
Day 2 finished, and Trump caught another 20 fish, but Hillary once again came back with nothing!
That night, Hillary and her cronies got together and accused Trump of being a “low-life, cheatin’ son-of-a-gun.” Instead of fishing on Day 3, they were just going to follow Trump to spy on him and figure out how he was cheating.
Day 3 finished up and Trump had an incredible day, adding 50 fish to his total!
That night, Hillary and her democratic buddies got together for the full report on how Donald was cheating. Hillary stood up to give her report and said, “You are not going to believe this, he’s cutting holes in the ice!”
And that, my friends, tells you all you need to know about the intelligence on the left side of the aisle!
 

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Discussion Starter #1,372
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationary.
 

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The older I get, the better I was!

Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all. "Honey," I stammered. I always call her "Honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard her voice. "Idiot", she barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
She retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car."

Yep it's getting like that; The golden years.
 

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you will want to sit down when you read about our screwed-up court system!!!
Stella Awards
It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico , where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.
Here are the Stella's for this past year --
* SIXTH PLACE *
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
Scratch some more...
* FIFTH PLACE *
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish Keep scratching. There are more...
Double hand scratching after this one...
* FOURTH PLACE *
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard.
Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.
Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot...
* THIRD PLACE *
Amber Carson of Lancaster , Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?
Only two more so ease up on the scratching...
*SECOND PLACE*
Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.
Ok. Here we go!!
* FIRST PLACE *
This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Columbus , Ohio , who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OSU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Ohio jury awarded her, are you sitting down ?
$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.
 

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(early political correctness)


The day it all started was March 6, 1836.
On that fateful day, Davy Crockett rose up from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo and walked up to the observation post along the west wall of the fort.

William Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall. These three great men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving towards the Alamo.

With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and asked,

"Jim, are we having any landscaping done today?"
 

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1. My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds. Only 15 more to go.
2. I had salad for dinner, mostly croutons and tomatoes; really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce, and cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.
3. How to prepare Tofu:
a. Throw it in the trash
b. Grill some meat
4. I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
5. I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day supply of diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
7. Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero outside they had to close the school? Me neither.
10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented.... I forgot where I was going with this.
11. I love being over 65. I forget more each day than my kids remember all week.
12. A thief broke into our house last night and started searching for money. So my wife woke me up and told me to go help him look.
13. I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
14. On November 6, 2016, Daylight Saving Time ended. But I got confused and set our bathroom scale back 10 pounds instead.
15. Just remember, once you're over the hill, you start to pick up speed, and your brakes give out.
 

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If Jesus was from Carolina
A little girl from South Carolina went to church for the first time ever when she was visiting her grandparents in Michigan. When the pastor announced it was time for the Lord’s Supper, she was excited–and hungry. The congregation filed up to the altar rail, and the child watched in confusion as her grandparents received a wafer and small plastic cup of wine. She could hardly wait to get back to the pew to tell her grandma that Jesus wasn’t from South Carolina.
“How do you know that, dear?” asked her grandma.
“Because that was the poorest meal I’ve ever seen,” she said. “Mama would’ve at least given everybody some corn bread and sweet tea.”
 

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This world is really getting out of control!! I was coming home from dropping the kids at school and stopped to get gas because I'm almost on E. When I pulled in, I noticed two police officers looking at a woman who was smoking a cigarette while filling up. I'm thinking "Wow, what an idiot!" So I go in, pay for my gas and red bull, and as I was checking out, I hear someone screaming, "OMG! Look outside!" The woman's arm is on fire!! She's running around in circles like a chicken with its head cut off, waving her arms all around and basically just going crazy. By this time, everybody in the store had made their way outside. The police put her on the ground and were putting the fire out with a fire extinguisher. After all the drama, I start walking to my car, and I see the officer putting her in handcuffs. The guy next to me is like, "What the heck!?" He asked the officer why in the world they were arresting her, after all, wasn't catching her arm on fire punishment enough?? Kid you not, the officer looked him dead in the eyes and said, "For waving a firearm"!!
 

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Ole vas vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he
accidentally cut off all ten of his finkers. He vent to da emergency room
in the Clinik and vhen he got dar de Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said,
"Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do." Ole said, "I haven't
got da finkers." "Vhat do you mean, you haven't got da finkers?' he
said. "Lord--it's 2017 and vee got microsurgery and all kinds of
incredible techniques. I could haf put dem back on and made you like
new!. Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?" Ole
says......












."How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?"
 
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