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Poison Drink

A women walks up to an obnoxious drunk biker at the bar and tells him "If you were my husband, I'd poison your drink" The biker replies, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it!"
 

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Devilish Encounter

The Devil shows up in church and everyone runs out except one old biker dude. Devil says "why don't you run...aren't you afraid of me?" Biker dude says " Nope, I married your sister"
 

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Saint Peter

A man appeared before St. Pete at the Pearly Gates. “Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.

“Well I can think of one thing,” the man offered. “Once on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker, and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled ‘Now, back off! Or I’ll kick the shit out of you!”

St. Peter was impressed, “When did this happen?”
The man replied, “Oh, just a couple of minutes ago.
 

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Tax Return

The IRS has returned my tax return this year after I apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly....In response to the question " Do you have anyone dependent on you?" I wrote "9.5 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crackheads, 3.4 million unemployed scroungers, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons plus 650 idiots in Washington"

The IRS stated the answer I gave was "unacceptable"!
I then wrote back " who did I leave out?"
 

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There was a papa mole, a momma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Momma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!" Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."
 

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Three CEO's walk into a bar - one from Budweiser, one from Coors and one from Guinness. The first orders a Budweiser, the second orders a Coors, and the Guinness CEO orders a glass of water. The bartender asks him, "Aren't you going to order a Guinness?" The CEO replies, "Well, no, because it would be impolite to drink a beer when my two compatriots are not."
 

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A blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didn’t want to pay the high prices.

After unsuccessfully haggling with one of the shopkeepers, the blonde said angrily,

“Maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!”

The shopkeeper smiled and replied, “Go ahead! Try to catch a really big one while you’re at it!”

Later that day while on his way home, the shopkeeper spotted the young woman standing at the edge of a swamp, shotgun in hand. He stopped to look, and just then he saw an enormous alligator swimming toward the blonde.

She took aim at the alligator, and BAM! She scored a perfect bullseye, and with some effort managed to haul the alligator onto the swamp bank.

The shopkeeper suddenly noticed that several more of the dead ‘gators were lying on the bank.

The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and shouted in frustration, “Damn, this one isn’t wearing any shoes either!”
 

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The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor of a small town in Ireland. One day he was walking down the high street, when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.



"Miss Fitzgerald", he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"



"Sure", she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.



When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.



The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oi mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."



The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fluff."



The landlord nodded and said, "Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish."
 
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