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Christmas Diary

December 8th: 6:00 PM.

It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife
and I took our drinks and sat by the window watching the huge
soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses
Print.

So romantic, we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9th:

We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering
every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more
lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I ever had.
Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a little boy again. I did both
our driveway and sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and
covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again.

What a perfect life.

December 12th:

The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment.
My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white
Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says
we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to
see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man,
I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14th:

Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to
* 20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my
breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks.
This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything
again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll
certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15th:

20 inches forecast. Parked my Corvette and bought a 4x4 Tahoe.
Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels.
Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the
electricity goes out. I think that's silly, we aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16th:

Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass in the driveway putting
down salt. Hurt like Hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was
very cruel.

December 19th:

My lousy birthday today. Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm.
Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I
should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. Gee I hate it when
she is right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20th:

Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night.
More shoveling. Took all day. Damn snow plow came by twice.
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy
playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store
around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have
another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to
shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22nd:

Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of
the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt until
August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and
then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I
was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the
rest of the winter, but he was too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23rd:

Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0 degrees. The wife
wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she
nuts!!?? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did,
but I think she's lying.

December 24th:

Snowed 6". Snow packed so hard by the snowplow, I broke my shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who
drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he
hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he
comes down the street at 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over
where I've just been!
Tonight, the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our
presents, but I was busy watching for the damn snowplow.

December 25th:

Merry Christmas! 20 more inches of the slop tonight. Snowed in.
The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. Gee I hate the snow!
Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and
I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a
bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful
Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.

December 26th:

Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all
HER idea.
She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27th:

Temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze.

December 28th:

Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me
crazy!!!!

December 29th:

10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could
cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I
am?

December 30th:

Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars.
The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31st:

Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 3rd:

I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep
giving me.

Why am I tied to the bed?




:crazy: :crazy:
 

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IMA Z06 said:
Sounds like a story written in Buffalo, New York......................

:lol: :lol: :lol: :cool:
I think, in honor of this post, that we should re-title that old song:

SHOVEL OFF TO BUFFALO... :lol: :lol: :lol:
 
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